Not Insane Yet

Settling in...

2006-08-24T00:46:00.000-05:00

All of our stuff got moved successfully, but there are still a few items I'm looking for. I'm sure they'll turn up once the boxes are all unpacked. I'd expected to be done with the unpacking by now, but 2 days ago I fell down a few steps carrying a heavy box and wound up in the emergency room. Nothing was broken, but it sure did hurt. So all my unpacking plans are on hold right now while my knees heal up - they may not be broken, but they are all sore and swollen. I think I'm really going to like this house a lot better than the last one, but I don't think this is the one we'll buy - it's got serious foundation trouble, and I just don't want to deal with that.

Moving sucks, Part II

2006-08-16T22:12:00.000-05:00

OK, in case there's anyone out there who cares, I apologize for not posting in so long. Life just gets in the way, sometimes. Besides, nothing really interesting happens to country housewives. Well, occasionally it's interesting, but usually, pretty boring.

We never even really got unpacked from the last move, and we've just moved again, this time to a town of about 1300 people, which is less than the population of my son's middle school in Houston. It's quite a culture shock. The closest grocery store is about 25 miles away. We still haven't gotten the dishes and stuff unpacked, so we've been eating a lot of McDonald's and Dairy Queen (the two choices in town) lately. Everyone in the house is getting too fat for their clothes, yours truly included. But we're in a much nicer house, still close enough to school for my kid to walk there.

We finally sold our place in Houston, and used the proceeds to pay off all of our debts. It feels so good not to owe anyone any money. It's like getting out of jail. Seriously, if you are in debt, you're a slave. Hell, that's probably why they call it Mastercard. We've cancelled all but one card, and we pay that one off every month now. It feels great! We're renting now, so no mortgage either. No bills at all, except for utilities. It's just super.

The move itself was a real chore. Hubby got promoted and transferred to a funeral home about 30 miles from our house, so the company paid to move us. They waited until the absolute last minute to get all the moving stuff approved. I got the word on a Wednesday that the movers would be there to pack on Thursday, but they got us moved into the new house in time for the boy to start school on Monday morning. We still have boxes everywhere, but the DSL is up and running. Sad isn't it? Getting my DSL connection running was a greater priority than locating our clothing. We've all been sharing the same skanky bath towel since Saturday, but we can get the internet, so we're happy.

Small town life is so strange to me. Take the post office, for example. In Houston, going to the p0st office ranks right up there with getting a root canal, and forget about calling them for anything. Here, I called the PO after hours, hoping to get a recording that would let me know their location and hours, since I hadn't received my mail. Instead, I got a person who was working late, gave her my address, and she brought me my mail on her way home from work, since she lives right around the corner. Everyone knows who we are, since my hubby's the only funeral director for two towns and the surrounding area. It's pretty cool, but the downside is that we always have to be on our best behavior in town. No running to the liquor store in my "Fuck you" t-shirt and no bra, I guess.

This is getting to be a bit rambly, thanks to Xanax, Vicodin, Benadryl and Jim Beam Black (don't ask), so I'll go for now. I'll try to update in a few days with everything that's been going on for the last few months. One parting bit of advice. If you are out of whiskey sour mix, don't be tempted to mix Jim Beam Black with iced tea - it's a really horrible drink. If you really need the whiskey, just do shots until you can get to the store for mixer. Trust me on this.

Way too long without a post...

2006-05-18T15:28:00.000-05:00

That's because nothing ever happens here. Until today. I still can't believe I did this. My husband needed help at work (remember, he's a funeral director), and I wound up styling a dead lady's hair. It was so totally weird. Oh, and then putting on her earrings - cold earlobes are just gross. Ick, ick, ick. Now the hubster wants me to go to school to get a funeral director's license. I don't think that's gonna happen - I'm not driving an hour and a half to go to school - I just got out of one big city, and I don't want to deal with any more traffic in another. Maybe if there's a distance learning course, but driving into the city - hell, no. I just had to drive into town for a urine test for a job, and that was enough traffic to last me quit a while.

Watching hubby put makeup on a dead lady was really weird, too. Not like regular makeup, more like greasepaint, slapping it on with a big brush. And did you know that they glue dead people's lips shut with superglue? I didn't until today - when hubby was in school, the textbook explained how to sew them shut, but I guess gluing is faster (and way less gross - you really don't want to know how the sewing-shut process works). And if there are any gaps after the gluing, it gets filled in with some pinkish glue called lip wax. Oh, the whole thing was just surreal. I've been weirded out all day. Still, I guess it was the most exciting thing that's happened since we moved, unless you count the day the raccoons got into the garbage.

I finally got another job, this time working from home taking calls for a department store's credit card customers. I start training in a few weeks. It's not much money, but I get to work in my pajamas, which has long been a goal of mine ;-) I might also work part-time at some of the funeral homes for hubby's boss, clerical stuff and passing out tissues at visitations (and probably more dead lady hair). Still waiting to hear back on that possibility. The housewifey stuff is OK, but really, it does not take all of my time to clean house and cook dinner, and I can only play The Sims for so long.

Woohoo! Modern conveniences!

2006-03-29T10:09:00.000-06:00

Well, the landlord finally sent over an electrician, so now we have phone wiring - no more wires through the window to connect the phone. And they installed a bunch of grounded outlets for me, so I don't have extension cords running all over the house anymore. That's great - I was so tired of stepping on or tripping over all those cords.

We still have boxes everywhere, and the living room furniture needs to be rearranged. And the room that will become our game/craft/etc room is still just piled high with homeless furniture and (surprise) more boxes. We have entirely too much stuff. I still can't believe how hard it is for us to fit into this house - we got rid of our dining room furniture, and one whole bedroom worth of furniture, and a garage full of miscellaneous stuff, and we still don't have enough room for all of our stuff. There are almost 30 boxes of books piled up behind my dining table, nowhere to put any bookcases, though. Boxes and boxes of dvds and vhs tapes - nowhere to put them either. I'm sure we'll figure something out eventually, but for now, all these boxes are driving me crazy. (There's always something driving me crazy, isn't there?)

What I learned today

2006-03-21T19:05:00.000-06:00

Today I learned that if the front door is open and the bathroom door is open, you can see across the street from my bathroom, if you are standing in the place you would be standing if you stood up from the potty to pull up your pants. I discovered this because hubby walked in while I was doing my business, and left the door open upon his exit. I hate this house.

Moving sucks

2006-03-20T20:21:00.000-06:00

I can't believe how much it sucks. I meant to post something the night before we moved, and didn't get around to it til now. We moved last Thursday. The truck the moving company sent wasn't big enough, but I was lucky enough to have a friend around who could drive a UHaul with the stuff that didn't fit in the big truck. I had a lot more boxes than we first estimated when ordering the truck.

Anyway, we got everything loaded into two trucks, and I packed two dogs (one dog was already with hubby) and the kid in the car. We had a two hour drive, and the UHaul and I got there about the same time. The moving guys called from a gas station needing directions to the house, and I told them to wait there and they could follow me to the house. So, I left the kid at the house, and my friend and I got in the car to go find the movers. Just as pulled away from the curb, my German Shepherd took a huge shit on the back seat, which made my friend start puking out the window. And then the movers weren't at the gas station - they called again, they were at the house.

So I wasn't in the house when they started unloading - I was outside cleaning dog shit off the leather seats and seat belt in my car. I shouldn't have bothered labelling the boxes - the movers just put them anywhere. I got inside in time to get most of the furniture in the right rooms, but there are boxes everywhere. The only room that is fully functional right now is the laundry room. Oh, and the dog kennels are setup. I can't find anything.

I didn't notice until the night we moved in that none of the electrical outlets in the kitchen or bedrooms are grounded. So, no computer, no freezer, no microwave. I did manage to run an extension cord from a grounded outlet in another room, so I got the computer running (Time Warner wouldn't set up my modem without it, of course). The landlord is supposed to send someone over tomorrow to install some grounded outlets. And to add an outlet to the bathroom - there's no electricity in there now.

The phone company came out the day after we moved to hook up my phone, and that's when I found out that the house isn't even wired for phones. There are jacks, and there might be wires in the attic or under the house (where Verizon won't go), but every wire on the exterior of the house was removed when it was remodeled. So we have one working phone jack, via a cord coming in through a window. The guy adding the outlets is supposed to hook up a few phone jacks, too.

I had to go back to the old neighborhood today to wrap up a few things, and I *thought* to get the house ready for the painters that would be coming next week. However, when I got there, the painters had been at work for hours. That meant that the tile guy couldn't start working today, and the tub/counter refinishers might not be able to start until the tile guy is done. He might get done in time - the refinishers are supposed to start on Thursday. I totally was not expecting the painters today, and while their early arrival saved me a lot of unnecessary work, they threw off my schedule completely. The tile guy left without doing anything. The oven & microwave installers had to do all their work with painters underfoot.

I had some guys in hauling off our old junk, too, everything the charity wouldn't take before we moved. While they were taking the old refrigerator out, they forgot to disconnect the ice maker. So water sprayed everywhere, which made one of the junk guys jump, slip and fall into a freshly textured wall. He got wet texture all over his uniform and in his hair. That was sort of funny, but I felt sorry for him, too. I know his partner was giving him shit about it, and the painter who had to redo the wall was cussing in Spanish the whole time he worked. I'm not sure what he was saying, but you could tell it was cussing. Vigorous cussing - I'm sure it made baby Jesus cry.

And did I mention that while all this was going on, I was restoring some ceramic tile in the entry, scrubbing at the old grout with some sort of stinky acid that has totally dried out my hands - I should have kept the gloves on, but they kept getting in the way. Anyway, the tile looks great and once it was done, I picked up the kid's paperwork at school. I got the junk hauled off and the appliances installed. I returned the cable boxes and modem. I did some shopping. It was one helluva busy day, and even after a bath, I still feel sore and itchy. Moving sucks.

Getting ready to move

2006-03-11T19:11:00.000-06:00

The phone's still not turned on at the new house, nor the cable, internet service, or gas. People are scheduled to come over on the 17th to do all those things. We will be at the new house on the 16th. It is going to suck, at least until I get my internet connection back on.

This is such hard work. We disassembled the dogs's kennels today. The bottoms of the kennels are covered with plastic decking over sand. The deck pieces all had to be dug out of the sand so they can be scrubbed down. We found two of the most disgusting slugs ever under one of the panels. They were semi-translucent, with a mossy green pattern. Looked like animated boogers. Bleh.

I still have a ton of stuff to pack, and only 4 days left to do it in. I don't understand how we accumulated so much stuff. I've donated a ton of stuff. More than half the garage was full of this stuff. A junk company is coming on the 20th for anything that's left.

Somehow during all this packing and sorting, my iron has gone missing. I cannot figure out how I managed to misplace a steam iron. I'm sure it will turn up as soon as I buy a new one.

The new house

2006-03-05T16:02:00.000-06:00

Yesterday my son and I drove out to the new house armed with a variety of household cleaners and tools, and spent all day cleaning. It was just filthy. The bathroom was especially gross - I was scraping a crust of dried piss off the outside of the toilet. There's room to plug in one thing on the kitchen counter, so I guess some days will be toaster day and some will be blender day.

Once the floors were mopped, they looked pretty good. Most of them are hardwood, which I like - lots easier to sweep up dog hair than to vacuum it. And the dogs will be spending much less time in the house anyway, since I think our landlord will be an asshole about it.

I got some really good news the other day...the estimate on the carpet and flooring in the old house is half what I expected, so we are saving enough there to get the counters and tubs refinished. If we haven't sold the house in six months, we might try to get a transfer to another funeral home in Houston and just move back in to our new and improved house.

I just can't believe how much work this is. I had no idea we had so much shit that we just aren't using at all. There is a huge (and getting huger) pile of stuff in the garage for the charity pickup on Wednesday. Anything they don't take, I'll have to pay a junk man to haul off. We are keeping most of the books and movies and stuff, but there is still just so much stuff. I drink wine maybe twice a year - why do I have 3 dozen wine glasses? I don't even recognize some of this stuff. And I found a bag of clothes I've had since high school - why have I kept this crap? Does anybody have a cure for packratism?

Moving soon...

2006-03-01T22:08:00.000-06:00

Well, we are moving out to the country soon, maybe less than two weeks. We got the only house in town that had a fence and big enough rooms. I don't like the house very much, so we only got a six month lease. Good thing, too - I just realized today that there's no dishwasher or garbage disposal. I can't figure out why my landlord went to all the bother and expense of putting central AC and heat in an such old house, and skipped putting in a dishwasher and garbage disposal (which can be done really on the cheap)? I think I'd be happier with window units and space heaters, if I had the most basic of all kitchen necessities. Am I just spoiled? And did I mention that except for the parts that have been repainted, the place it absolutely filthy. I'll be scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom down with bleach, and all but two rooms need to be mopped. Those two need to be vacuumed. All of the cabinets and drawers, which are built-in to the living room, bathroom, one bedroom and kitchen have been freshly painted, over $DEITY knows how many layers of old paint, so nothing will shut properly. There are four doors to the outside - I'm putting furniture in front of two of them and just pretending they aren't there. And after all the cleaning, I'm spraying bug spray EVERYWHERE.

It's not all bad. I'll be able to keep almost all of my furniture. The dining room table will be in the shed (which is huge) awaiting refinishing and new seat covers. I'll also have room in the shed to strip, bleach and refinish my kitchen table. We can get cable and broadband, and our house is just a few blocks from kid's school, a few blocks from hubby's work, right around the corner from church - we are going to be putting a whole lot less miles on the cars.

Getting the old house sold is going to cost a fortune. Just the painting job is going to be almost $5000. Still waiting on the estimate for the floors and countertops and refinishing the bathtubs. But, I'll do just about anything to get this house sold quickly.

A little more drama this week, but all ends well

2006-02-19T23:01:00.000-06:00

The hubster had to go to Kentucky early last week because his grandfather passed away. It was very sad, but not unexpected as he'd been in failing health for some time. At least hubby got a chance to see his relatives for a while. The really sucky part of the whole thing was trying to get a flight to Kentucky - if you think the airlines give a great discount for compassion fares, think again. We saved maybe $100 on the ticket. If we'd had two weeks notice to buy the ticket, it would have been $257 roundtrip. Last minute compassion fare - $779! Thanks, Continental - I really appreciate your somewhat dubious compassion.

Driving to the airport has to be one of my least favorite things to do, but there was no getting out of it. So one trip to the airport on Monday, another on Wednesday. Then it was time for hubby's weekend off. He called to talk to his boss on Friday, and he was unavailable - because the boss was busy getting fired, and the gossip is that it was for sexual harassment of several female employees! Sexual harassment, in a funeral home - that just seems so icky to me. Still don't know what this means to hubby's job, except he'll probably be getting a lot of overtime now. He's got less than a month til he gets his funeral director/embalmer licenses. He might get transferred to another funeral home once he gets the license, still out in the country, but closer to where we want to be, which would be cool. Anyway, we are in wait-and-see mode. If we can't find a place to rent out there, he'll probably try to transfer to one of the company's funeral homes here in Houston.

I had a lot of drama today. I was just chillin' on the computer, and my German Shepherd started going berserk in the backyard right outside my window. I looked out, and I could see another dog scratching at our gate. I went out to chase the dog off, and it was a huge pit bull with a chain and padlock around its neck. It wasn't just scratching at the gate - it was *chewing* the gate. So I hauled my ass back into the house before I attracted the dog's attention. A bunch of neighborhood kids were playing at my house, and they said they knew where the dog lived, and one of the kids ran down the street to tell the owners that their dog was loose, but they weren't home. Kid comes back to my house, and next thing I know, this devil-dog was at my front door, this time driving my little dog into a frenzy. I couldn't even open the front door to chase it off. Called animal control, only to find out that they only work regular business hours. Well, I wasn't gonna be trapped in my house by a damn dog, so I called the cops. It took them hours to get here, and by then the dog was gone. The deputy sorta treated my like I was a nervous ninny. I told him that one of the kids would show him where the dog lived, so they walked down the block and the dog was there - and it charged the cop. Next thing I know he's pulled his gun out, sent the kids running back to my house and called for backup. Two more police cars showed up in seconds, and one of the cops was pulling out a rifle or shotgun or whatever it is they keep in the trunk, and that's when the dog's owner showed up. The dog took off running, wouldn't respond to the owner's commands, and the cops all jumped back in their cars to chase it. I don't know if they caught it or not, but if I see that fucker in my yard again, I'm more than half-tempted to shoot it myself. I guess I've made an enemy of one of my neighbors now, but that's just too damn bad. We have leash laws for a reason. I know a lot of people think pits are just like any other dog, that they're perfectly safe if you train 'em, but I call bullshit on that - this dog is rowdy and vicious and obviously untrained. I think I'm gonna call the sheriff tomorrow and find out just what the ramifications would be if I did shoot the dog. I could shoot a burglar threatening my life or property, why should it be any different if the perp is a dangerous animal?

So much for having lots of free time

2006-02-13T23:33:00.000-06:00

After 10 years of continuous employment, I'm finding that looking for a job takes a huge amount of time. And while I'm conducting my own job search, I'm constantly calling funeral homes to find out where we can send hubby's resume. With only one income, we just can't afford to have two separate households. And moving to where hubby works now is probably not an option. A new funeral home is opening up in the town where he works, and it's expected that his place will lose maybe half their business to the new home, since the guys that are running it are locals, and hubby's place is owned by a major funeral service company. The folks in the small town where he's working really haven't warmed up to the new manager there, so they are sure to lose some business, which doesn't bode well for the hubster, since he's the new guy. If they wind up having to cut back, I know he'll be the first to go. Not to mention the fact that he's still not really an employee - they are paying as a contract laborer, which means that he's essentially self-employed, so no benes or anything. This contract thing was supposed to last for two weeks - it's now been four months, and all the excuses he keeps getting for the delay just don't make any sense. I think they're dragging out the contract thing to save money, and it is really screwing up my tax returns, since he'll have to file as self-employed. Self-employed means no benes, no sick pay, no bereavement pay, all sorts of hassles. But he still has to act like an employee - it's the worst of both worlds.

And the drama just keeps continuing. Hubby's grandfather just passed away this weekend, so he had to take off work and fly out of town to go to the funeral. Let me tell you - Continental Airlines "compassion" fare is a joke. The full price ticket purchased the day before travel would have been $914. With the compassion fare, the price was $780 - not very compassionate in my book. If it had been cheaper, I would have gone with him, but alas, I had to stay home. I'm sure all of his relatives, most of whom I've not met, must surely have a bad opinion of me for not showing up for their patriarch's funeral.

I can feel myself getting more and more depressed, but I don't want to start with the SSRIs again - everytime I've tried them, I've just gotten crazier and crazier. I'm not taking any meds at all right now except my Synthroid and Xanax. I dropped the meds they were giving me for the stomach troubles because I read that there is a strong potential for irreversible side effects, something called Tardive Dyskinesia. I think I was starting to show symptoms - a lot of compulsive lip chewing, and choking on liquids very often. I'd rather be nauseated than have a permanent neurological condition. Gastropariesis has it's benefits - I can't each much at a time, so I'm not gaining any more weight, and am actually losing a bit, albeit very slowly. Most days I just stick to a semi-liquid diet, stuff like that Ensure crap and a lot of ramen soup.

The job search isn't going well - my resume is pretty crappy, and except for my last two jobs, every other place I've ever worked is out of business, so I don't have any references. I got fired from the last job and quit the one before that under really bad circumstances, so I don't expect to get very good refs. I think I'll send the resume out to a professional resume writer - they did a really good job with hubby's . If anybody in Houston is reading this and knows of a software support job (preferably support manager), let me know. I'd probably work for half my previous salary just to get some insurance for me and the family - my COBRA insurance is over $800 a month. I wasn't even going to bother buying it, but all it would take would be one bad accident to ruin us then. I don't really have to worry about money right now, since I got a good severance package and cashed out my 401K, but the lack of insurance really worries me. I can probably live close to a year on what we've got stashed now, but I'd rather get a damn job and use that money to pay off most of our huge debts.

Oh well, enough whining for now. Back to my Jim Beam Black Label, just the thing to wash down the night-time Xanax ;-)

Well, that was unexpected...

2006-01-17T18:44:00.000-06:00

I got fired. Totally out of the blue. I've never even been reprimanded, and I worked there more than a decade. And the reason I got was just so bogus, I still can't believe it. However, it was budget time, and my position was sort of expendable, so I'm not totally surprised. So I guess I'll have plenty of time to blog, even though I'll likely have nothing interesting to write about. Severance, unemployment benefits and savings will carry me a few months, so I'm taking a little break for now. Brush up on some skills, paint my house, clean out the garage, fun stuff like that.

I'm so evil....

2005-12-19T09:03:00.000-06:00

I keep a bottle of skin lotion on my desk. It's a sample of Velvatone, which my husband (the undertaker) brings me from work. They use it to keep dead people from drying out, but it works great on live people, too. Really great stuff, doesn't leave you greasy or anything. I get it by the quart. So, I was putting some on my hands when a cow-orker stopped by. She asked if she could borrow my lotion - no problem, I say. And then after she's put it on, she remarked on how great it was and asked where I got it. So I told her. The look on her face was priceless. And bonus...a few minutes later I found her in the kitchen, furiously scrubbing her hands with dish soap. I suppose I shouldn't be enjoying this as much as I am, but really, this was worth getting out of bed for.

What a long day...

2005-12-16T14:12:00.000-06:00

It seems like today is just dragging on and on. I didn't want to get up at all, even though I got plenty of sleep, and all day I've just wanted to crawl back into bed. Mmm....cozy blanket. The next two hours and forty minutes are going to last an eternity. And the 3 days I'm working next week are surely going to be long and boring as well. But I'll be off work from the 22nd through the 2nd, so that's something to look forward to. And hubby will be home for 4 of those days, which is good, 'coz I could really use a conjugal visit ;-)

I'm back!

2005-11-30T15:44:00.000-06:00

But just long enough to say Hi. For a change, I've actually been terribly busy at work, instead of just trying to look terribly busy. I'm still doing essentially useless stuff, but at least the time goes by quicker.

I did have a few minutes of downtime earlier, and amused myself playing with the numerous toys on my desk. My favorite is a can of "Smart Mass" from thinkgeek.com, which is like Silly Putty for grown-ups. So, I'm sitting at my desk, idly playing with the gooshy Smart Mass while I read email. When one of my cow-orkers stopped by for a chat, I just stuck the Smart Mass to my desk and kept fiddling with it with one hand. I noticed that Ms. Cow-orker had a weird look on her face, but I didn't pay it any mind. Until she left my office, that is. That's when I realized that I had, completely inadvertently, sculpted the Smart Mass into the shape of a penis. So while we were chatting, I was jacking off a gooey green dick. Incidents like this probably explain why I don't get invited out to lunch more often.

This is strange...

2005-11-09T14:04:00.000-06:00

I went out for lunch, and when I got back, there were roses lying on my desk. No card, either. I have no idea who would have left roses on my desk. They are really pretty, though. One red, one white, one pink, and some fluffy yellow flowers to make a nice arrangement. Bizarre...I hope I haven't acquired a stalker.

Big boobs...safety hazard

2005-11-09T11:17:00.000-06:00

I can't believe what I just did to myself. I was sitting sort of on the edge of my chair, digging through a file drawer behind my desk. I opened my desk drawer to get a paper clip, turned back to my files and the phone rang. So, I spun the chair around and grabbed for the phone. Too fast...I slipped off the edge of the chair, hit the desk with my chest, and managed to shut the desk drawer on both of my boobs. Owowowowow! I'm supposed to report every injury, no matter how minor, but there's no way I'm going down to HR with this one. Especially since my last reported injury was a huge bruise on my ass that happened when I tried to wheel around the server room in a chair with a broken caster. I tried to keep that one under wraps, too, but unfortunately the loud crash when the chair flipped over backwards brought several folks running in. Very embarassing to be found flat on one's back in ruins of a broken chair. Oh well, we did get new chairs for the server room after that.

This isn't even my first on-the-job boob injury, either. About 16 years ago, I shut metal cashbox on one of my nipples - I actually had to go to the doctor for that one. It swelled up a lot and hurt really bad, huge blood blister. It was sort of fun trying to explain that one to my boss at the time...he got more embarassed than I did, turning completely red at the mere mention of "nipple". I got two days off, no questions asked ;-)

Not much going on...

2005-11-08T10:27:00.000-06:00

It's been pretty boring lately, nothing to blog about. My youngest went off on his first trip away from home without family last weekend. It was a church thing, so I knew he'd be fine, but I still missed him terribly. Especially when I had to take care of the dogs in the morning. He was tired and filthy when I picked him up Sunday evening - said he just didn't have time to take a shower the whole time he was there. Bleh - boys his age are just so funky. I'll be glad when he starts to take a little more interest in personal hygiene!

The gastroparesis is a lot better. I'm only nauseated for a few hours after I eat, instead of all the time, and it's not completely incapacitating like it was at first. Good thing, too - I'm sure my boss is getting tired of me leaving early all the time.

Hubby's really enjoying his new funeral director gig out in the country. It's about 2 hours away and he should get to come home every other weekend. People don't usually give you 2 hourse notice before they die, so he had to rent an apartment there. He took one of the dogs with him so he wouldn't be so lonely. Now I know for sure which dog can't stay out of the wastebaskets - and he's got her, so less mess for me!

Like I said, it's been pretty boring....

Another weekend almost over....

2005-10-30T19:44:00.000-06:00

This is usually my favorite weekend of the year, since I get that extra hour of sleep Sunday morning. But Saturday night, our Jack Russell terrier started fussing and whining to get out of her crate and hubby let her sleep in the bed with us. I woke up about 4:30 AM with the dog asleep on my back - very uncomfortable. So I feel like I've been awake FOREVER today. I hate getting up too early. I was all groggy from the Lunesta I'd taken the night before, too. I kept yawning in church, which was sort of embarrassing. October is Stewardship month in our church, the month when they try to guilt everyone in to increasing the amount they put in the collection plate each week. We had a guest speaker instead of our regular pastor, and he was *totally* into his sermon today. Our regular guy is pretty laid back, but this guy - whew, was he excited.

Hubby's taken a job out of town again, so here I am, alone with the kid and two dogs (he took the Jack Russell with him today). It's so scary here at night when he's gone. Every little noise has me jumping out of my skin. I hate this house - it's just so creepy here sometimes. I don't know why - maybe I'm just crazy. We had someone break in once about 11 years ago, and I never really got over it. We've got an alarm installed, but now the damn back door won't close all the way, so I can't even set the stupid alarm. Good thing I have a German Shepherd and a gun. Of the two, I think the dog is more useful - I know if anyone did come in, all I have to do is let the dog loose and the bad guy is, well, dog food. The dog is getting on in years - she's almost 11 - but she is still very protective and she has all of her teeth ;-)

I forgot to set my alarm clock back, and took my night-time pills an hour too early. It is becoming increasingly difficult to type - I keep having to backspace over random typoes in every sentence. So I guess now is a good time to sign off...if you haven't set your clock back, do it now, or you're gonna be an hour early for work...

Bi-polar? I don't think so!

2005-10-25T14:30:00.000-05:00

I never really accepted the bi-polar diagnosis, and finally got fed up with all the pills and their side effects. I've always tended to be depressed, and both times I tried SSRI's, they made me worse instead of better. I've tried Paxil, Luvox, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Effexor, and I don't even remember how many others. I had side effects ranging from sleeping 14 hours a day to paranoia and finally the bi-polar diagnosis. Since I weaned off all the meds, I've been doing great, just my usual vaguely depressed self, no mania at all. If I was really bi-polar, I think I would have had some sort of meltdown off meds, instead of only when on meds. I really think it's the SSRI's that made me crazy (Luvox had me thinking people were following me to work and that my hubby was poisoning my food!).

I've had a lot of stomach trouble, especially since I had my gallbladder out a few weeks ago, and one of the meds they prescribed for nausea is one of the old tricyclics, Elavil. You know what? I've never felt better in my entire life! I go to sleep early, I wake up before the clock goes off, I'm not manic, I'm not depressed, I've lost weight - it's great. I'm still bitchy & all, but that's just me. The stomach doctor wants to talk about getting off some of the pills in two months - there's no way I'm going to let him take away my Elavil! The only side effect has been occasionally leaky nipples (gross), but I was getting that from all the psych meds I was taking before. Other than that, it's been just great.

Ugh, barf....

2005-10-25T14:16:00.000-05:00

I seem to complain an awful lot about stink, don't I? Well, I got a new one today, and boy howdy, is it foul. The landscapers here at work spread new mulch and fertilizer yesterday. It must have a lot of not-fully-composted manure in it - it smells like a mixture of shit and puke. I'm on the freakin' third floor, and it smells like a dead cow's ass in here. Not that I've ever actually smelled a dead cow's ass (unless you count eating at McDonald's), but I like to go for vivid imagery. It's such a treat now to go out to the garage for a smoke...cigarettes, manure and exhaust fumes from the freeway - that's Texas for ya. I can't wait to move out of the city - I'd like my manure and cigarettes untainted by exhaust fumes ;-)

Will this day never end?

2005-10-20T14:01:00.000-05:00

For some reason, this day is just dragging on and on. Every time I look at the clock, I'm amazed to find that only 5-6 minutes have passed, instead of the 20 minutes I expected. I just want to go home and go to sleep. I've been waking up too early and not able to go back to sleep, which sucks. Hubby is out of town again, so I have to sleep by myself, which also sucks. Last night I kept trying to snuggle up to a guy that wasn't there, and only stopped because I had scooted all the way to the edge of his side of the bed. One more snuggle attempt, and I'd have been on the floor.

The autosurf thing has been going really well. I started with 12 dollars, and now I have almost $60, with very little effort on my part. I just log in after I get up, click a button, and the surfing happens while I'm brushing my teeth. Signing up hasn't increased the amount of spam I get, nor have I collected any spyware or other nasties. I just hope the program I'm in sticks around for a while. According to my research, there are an awful lot of bad autosurfs out there. The one I'm using, though, has paid me early every time. I wish I was brave enough to risk more money, but I'm just too chicken to do it.

On the verge of going postal at work....

2005-10-14T10:19:00.000-05:00

The reign of olfactory terror is back on with a vengeance. I finally had to complain to HR. The reek of BenGay is just killing me - it's strong enough to make my eyes burn, and really exacerbates my nausea. I can't keep going home ill just because some programmer has to lube himself up with this noxious goo several times a day. HR says somebody will talk to the guy soon. Surely there is something at Walgreens that does the same thing without the stench.

My boss took the news of the failed project better than I'd expected. So now it is totally not my problem - somebody else gets to fix the mess (hooray!). Of course, now I have to go back and do all the stuff that's been on hold while I worked on this stupid project, so I have a huge backlog of crap to deal with. Oh well, at least I get paid.

Sometimes work sucks....

2005-10-10T17:47:00.000-05:00

I know I shouldn't blog about work in any detail, but I have to bitch, so I'll just say that software development sucks sometimes. My project died today - it's just not technically feasible. It didn't take much math to extrapolate from tests with small data files - the typical files that the customer will be using will take about 9 months to process. Damn, damn, damn...it was just getting interesting, too. I am gonna hate sitting down and explaining to my boss why this just won't work no matter how much more time I spend on it.

It's so gloomy here today

2005-10-10T09:15:00.000-05:00

It's dark and gray and raining now - started raining just as my kid left for the bus. Too bad he's too cool to wear a raincoat or carry and umbrella. No, there's much more coolness in arriving at school shivering and dripping wet. He was pissed about going to school today anyway - it was supposed to be a holiday, but they are making up days they missed for Hurricane Rita, so off to school he went.

Today (well, yesterday, actually) was my 10-year hiring anniversary. I can't believe I've been working at the same place for almost 1/4 of my life. As usual, this will pass completely unnoticed by anyone I work for. Oh well - as a long as they remember me on payday, I guess I don't really care!

We've decided to not move to Louisiana. Hubby's out looking for a new job right now. It's just too messed up over there for us to want to live there. I am *so* relieved - I really didn't want to go there at all, and the hurricane just reinforced that. Oh well, not much else to ramble on about. Better get back to work....

OK, I finally did it...

2005-10-08T14:12:00.000-05:00

I finally installed the FireFox browser - wow. I can't believe how much I like it. I thought the whole tabbed browsing thing was going to be something I didn't bother with, but now I can't live without it. Very cool. If you aren't using it already, I highly recommend it.

I've been experimenting with various ways of making cash online. In the absence of a product or service to sell, this has been a bit of a challenge, but I've made a little chunk of change with an autosurf site. I'm gonna let the experiment run for a while, and if things go well, I'll post my results and affiliate links for anyone who's interested. There's a lot of sites like this out there that seem sort of scammy, but the one I'm currently using has been really consistent in their payouts and very responsive to any and all issues I've had. Hopefully, I'll have good news to report soon - wish me luck!

Not so good today...

2005-10-07T09:56:00.000-05:00

I didn't last an hour at work today before the nausea sent me back home. My super anti-nausea pills did not do the trick this morning. This is really starting to suck badly - I've missed so much work, I'm worried about getting fired. Not that anybody's said anything, but it makes me paranoid.

I had an endoscopy on Monday, and got to see pictures of the inside of my stomach - gross. I have something called gastroparesis, which basically means "weak stomach". Apparently, my stomach no longer contracts well (they can't say why). When I had the exam, the food I'd eaten 14 hours earlier was still in my stomach - that's why I get so nauseated. My food is basically rotting in my stomach, and most of my digesting is done by stomach acid and gravity, instead of by the muscular action of my stomach. So now I have a liquid diet (Ensure is revolting, by the way) and surprise - more pills. At least I know what's wrong, even if it's not fixed yet - I can finally quit worrying about stomach cancer. When you are sick, Google is not really your friend, let me tell you.

Hubby's off interviewing at another funeral home out of town, in just the part of Texas we'd like to live in. It will mean another separation again, of course, but at least he'd be back in the funeral biz and I'd no longer be faced with the prospect of moving to a Katrina-ravaged area. My sister's currently living in the town we were planning on moving to, and she says it's just horrible. It's hard to buy food, there's a curfew, businesses aren't open all of their usual hours because they don't have enough employees, traffic is horrid, rent-gouging, and everything smells like rot. Sounds lovely. I think it would be insane to give up my cushy job and 1/2 paid for house to move to a disaster area where there's no work for me. And I think my hubby would be unhappy forever if he gave up on being a funeral director and stayed in fast food mgmt. Even though there's a lot more money in fast food at the moment, I know funeral directing is what he needs to be doing. Wish us luck!

Tinfoil Hat Man!

2005-10-01T18:08:00.000-05:00

Today I was in Walgreen's (like nearly every day lately, it seems), and the customer in line in front of me seemed to be attracting a lot of odd looks from people coming into the store. I didn't really notice anything that odd about him at first, except that he was dressed for much cooler weather than we are having today, but then he turned around. I could not believe my eyes. Under his fleece hood, there were several layers of tinfoil. Where the hood gaped a bit at the sides, I could see that he was wearing ear muffs that appeared to be taped to his ears. His *goggles* were also taped to his face, sealing off the area around his eyes. When he reached to get something off a higher shelf, his shirt rode up a bit, and it was obvious that he also had a considerable amount of foil down the front of his pants. It was funny in a sad sort of way - I wonder what he was protecting himself from? Poor guy - I think once you get to the point that you are sealing off multiple orifices with tape and aluminum foil, you probably need to be an inpatient.

He's not the first "colorful" character I've seen around here in the time we've been living on this side of town. There was Walkie-Talkie Man, who spent hours walking up and down a busy 6-lane highway with a large neckbrace on and about 8-10 walkie-talkie radios attached to his belt. Whenever the weather was good, there was a good chance of seeing Walkie-Talkie Man. I haven't seen him in a few years - I hope he's OK. And I will forever wonder just what he was up to.

Much rarer appearances were put in by the Holy Roller. This was a perfectly ordinary looking fellow, except for the fact that he was walking down the same busy six-lane highway with a huge wooden cross on wheels. He hasn't been around for a while - I presume he's atoned for whatever it was that compelled him to perform such a penitent act. At any rate, I do hope he's found some peace, or treatment.

There's a sad old fellow in my neighborhood, too. I think he's got some form of early-onset dementia (he's not all that old), and I'm afraid that his family just leaves him home alone every day. I see him in the street most mornings, and he's stopped me on my way to work a few times to panhandle. Panhandling in my neighborhood - it's not like we live in an urban setting. You don't exactly expect that sort of thing in the 'burbs. If I could figure out which house he lived in, I'd call the authorities - I don't think somebody in that condition should be roaming around the neighborhood unattended.

Feeling whiny today....

2005-10-01T12:04:00.000-05:00

I've been nauseated almost constantly for months now. When it started, I blamed food poisoning, and when the pain started, the doctor said it was the gallstones. Well, the pain is gone, but I'm still sick as a dog. The new doctor (gastroenterologist this time) prescribed me some super expensive anti-nausea drug, the kind of stuff they give chemo patients, but my insurance doesn't want to pay for it - the doctor wants me to take it up to 4 times a day, the insurance says I can have 12 pills a month. The doctor had to send some paperwork to the insurance pharmacy review - no telling how long this will take to get an answer.

In addition to feeling like shit all of the time, I have to deal with ANTS in my kitchen. They are everywhere, mostly in the pantry and the sink. I can't find where they are coming in from, but they are such a nuisance. So much as one fork gets left in the sink, and in the morning there's a literal parade of ants on the counter. Young son left the garbage disposal un-run last night, and the ants were swarming in and out of the drain this morning. What a thing to wake up to - totally gross! It seems to be two different kinds of ants - some of them are twice the size of the others. They all have nasty bites, though. Everytime one of us cleans up the ant parade, we get a few bites - my hands look awful.

I have this awful project at work. It is way overdue, and I've just barely started it. My company needs a component to restore large XML files into a database, because the software that created the large XML files as backups can't handle them on restore. I've tried two different methods and I have the same problem - the files are just too damn big. I can parse the file as plain text, but that takes so long - it could take days on some of these files - so that's not any option. So I have to learn all about something called SAX2 (which I can't seem to make any sense of). Oh, and I have to write the stupid thing in VB6. How sucky is that, I ask you? Very sucky, without a doubt.

OK, enough whining. I should take a few moments to remind myself of my many blessings. My sons are healthy, we have a home and cars and jobs. Times are very difficult right now, but there is still so much for which to be thankful. But sometimes I have a hard time remembering that.

Well, that was pretty much a non-event

2005-09-24T11:16:00.000-05:00

We haven't had much rain to speak of, and we need some anyway. It's a little windy, so I have some smallish tree branches all over the front yard, but Rita seems to have passed us by. Guess I'm not getting new carpet out of this storm. It was sort of sad watching the newscasters try to keep their momentum going once they all realized we weren't getting any action.

I hope it doesn't take too long for things to get back to normal. I haven't been able to buy bread or milk for days. My husband hasn't still gotten paid for his first two weeks of work (payroll error - they printed him a check for $0.00), and he won't be getting paid for his little Rita vacation.

We've been trying to figure out if there's anywhere you can move to in this country that isn't plagued with one natural disaster or another. Seems like our choices are hurricanes, tornadoes, blizzards, wildfires, earthquakes, & volcanos. I guess we'll pick hurricanes, since you get plenty of notice, and we're sorta used to them after all these years.

Sorry about the google ads, by the way ;-)

2005-09-22T19:35:00.000-05:00

If you're seeing what I'm seeing, they are all about flatulence and diarrhea - classy, eh?

Waiting on Rita

2005-09-22T19:19:00.000-05:00

We are on the western edge of Houston, and have decided to sit out the storm. It looks like it won't be as bad here as first thought, which is good, since the highways going out of town are packed. People are running out of gas after sitting on the freeway, covering 18 miles in 11 hours! We're insured (flood and homeowner's), and we've never had water in the house before, so we're not too worried. I'm sorta worried about the chimney - I think it's wobbly already. And we have an addition on the house that's not much different structurally from a mobile home - that's a bit worrisome, too. OK, I guess *I'm* worried - hubby is not worried a bit. I've been watching the disaster channel and filling ice trays & water bottles all day - he's been playing Playstation games.

I'm just praying the power stays on. And the cable - I'll go mad without an internet connection.

Stroke of luck today!

2005-09-15T19:49:00.000-05:00

Despite what my family doctor said, the gastroenterologist I saw today said that he doesn't think an expensive endocosply and colonoscopy is warranted at this time. I have shitload of pills today (3 new prescriptions today). With all the meds I started on Tuesday, I felt pretty good today. They all have a sedating effect, though, so I am sleepy and unmotivated all the time. Still I'd rather being lying around veging out than sitting for hours on end with a bucket handy just in case I have to barf.

I can't really complain about the medical care I've received - everyone's been very thorough and treated me well, but there are a few things they really glossed over before the surgery. Like the fact that you can have terrible diarrhea for months after having your GB out, and it's permanent for some people. They can't really explain the nausea - all the tests ruled out a retained stone, bile leakage or pancreatitis. The gastro doc explained today that any sort of digestive system surgery, no matter how minor, is really an insult to your whole GI system, and some people just take longer to get over it.

I didn't expect to have all these problems - I always bounced back so fast after giving birth and after my last major surgery. I expected this to be a few days of discomfort and the time off at work to be a vacation. I had all these plans of stuff I was going to get done while I recovering - I've accomplished nothing. Before all the new pills, all waking moments were spent in the bathroom or with my head in a bucket. With all the new pills, I spend most of my time staring at whatever is on TV, too lazy to even reach for the remote.

I was supposed to go back to work today - that didn't happen. I'm going back on Monday (unless something else goes wrong) - I just hope I can stay awake with all these pills. Nearly everyone of them has drowsiness as a side effect. Add my regular Xanax to the mix, and LosingSanity is one stoned chick.

On the mend, sort of, and some rambling

2005-09-14T19:34:00.000-05:00

I haven't had any bipolar symptomns in weeks, months maybe, and the only psych med I'm taking now is Xanax. But now I have a whole new crop of pills & liquids for my new stomach problems. Protonix, for stomach acid. Phenergan, for nausea. Lomotil liquid (now with atropine added to discourage recreational use!), for diarrhea. Levsin, for intestinal cramps. All this stuff makes me super-sleepy, so I won't be going back to work on Thursday as planned. I have to see a gastroenterologist on Thursday. I'm tentatively scheduled to go back to work on Monday. My doctor tells me that I will probably have to have an endoscopy and colonscopy, which I guess makes me a bead, since I'll be threaded from end to end. I hope I can get knocked out for this - it doesn't sound pleasant. The only bright side to this so far is that there are no more gallbladder pains (since no more gallbladder), and all of my incisions are healing up great. My family doctor says that my gallbladder must have been huge, as the incision that it is pulled out of is about 3 times longer than he said was usual.

I'm so tired of going to the damn doctor. In the past month, it's been the GP twice, the surgeon twice, surgery, and a trip to the emergency room, two sonagrams, and at least one more doctor visit coming up. I have bruises all over my hands from all the IVs and blood drawing. Man, I thought being mentally ill sucked - it was a walk in the park compared to being physically sick. And the process of being diagnosed is just as bad, if not worse than being sick. There is very little dignity in the whole medical process. I have just about had it with cold fingers poking me all over my belly, and now I'm gonna have to pay a guy to shove a camera up my ass. My church keeps sending me cards with their offers of prayers for healing and everyone is just positive that the Lord is going to heal me - if so, I truly wish he'd just get on with it.

Sorry for all the whining, folks. I feel pretty sorry for myself right now. Along with all this medical BS, we've had to deal with all this hurricane Katrina business - it's very nerve-wracking to have my entire family scattered all over the place without real places to live and work. And now I have the prospect of moving to the devastated area in a year or less, since that is where hubby will likely be working. I just worry that we won't be able to find suitable housing. I'm sure not gonna buy a house out there - I doubt I could even begin to afford the homeowner's insurance - so we're gonna be renters again. That wouldn't be such a big deal, but I imagine in the coming months and years there is going to be a shortage of homes for rent. We have three dogs, so apartments aren't really an option. Two of our dogs are very old with behavior problems, and not really re-homable, so adopting them out would probably not be possible. It just kills me to even think about it, but someone recommended that the kindest thing to do if we can't keep them is to have them put down. I'm not even going to think about that until the last possible minute.

Even though it's not in the funeral biz, this job that hubby's taken could work out really good for us. We could probably live on just his salary after I cash out my 401k and pay off all our debts, so I'd be able do contract work, preferably work at home stuff. First I have get this awful house sold, though. Hubby has kind of given up on the funeral thing - he can't find an apprenticeship where we live, and we can't afford to live on appprentice wages elsewhere. I'm hoping that in a few years, once we are out of debt and get some cash saved up, that we can just buy a funeral home and he can be an apprentice with an employee to act as his sponsor. I really want for us to own our own business, and I hate to see hubby work so hard to get an education that he can't use. He's really bummed about it and thinks he will never be able to get licensed, so I'll be scheming behind the scenes for a while, learning all I can about buying a funeral home. There's so much to learn - I need a business plan, find funding, find properties, etc. - and I have no idea where to start. Google in this case was just not my friend. Just about any search that contains the word 'funeral' pulls up a ton of obits, but nothing useful.

Wow, the tummy meds are kicking in hard right now - it is so hard to type. I feel totally high right now, which is a vast improvement over sitting on the toilet with my head in the waste basket. I'm seeing the gastro doc tomorrow - wish me luck!

Not doing so well lately

2005-09-10T12:17:00.000-05:00

I've been really sick since my gallbladder surgery. I am due to return to work in a few days and I still feel as weak as a kitten. And nauseated all the time - bleh! I've spent most of the last week lying down, praying not to barf. But today I need to summon up some strength and drag my ass to the grocery store. My son is celebrating his upcoming birthday with a sleepover tonight, and we'll need provisions. I just hope I can make it through the next few hours without puking or fainting (right now it feels like I might just do both).

I'm back!

2005-09-03T12:16:00.000-05:00

Gallbladder is out - I'm much better off without it. I wish I could say all was well. My parents were here for the surgery, displaced by Hurricane Katrina. They are trying to go home today - no amount of begging would change my father's mind. We've got word that their house is still standing, not flooded, but there's no power, water, gas, or phones. There are looters breaking into hospitals and burning down the malls.

Hubby's new job is right in the middle of a flooded Louisiana parish - we don't know if he's gonna have a job to go to or not. And even if he still has the job, I don't know how he's gonna find a place to live there. He'd planned on staying with my parents for a while, but the only bridge that connects their town with the one he's to work in is gone. I expect housing will be in short supply - no telling what he's gonna do. I wish he'd just find another job, something to keep him home.

I can't quit watching the news - I can't believe what's happened to my hometown. I'm just in shock. I wish I could do more to help than pray. I just can't believe how much is just *gone*.

Saw the surgeon today

2005-08-25T19:42:00.000-05:00

They are going to try to get me scheduled for surgery Monday morning. I might not have to stay overnight at the hospital. I would really rather come home as soon as possible. I hate the whole hospital experience. After I had my hysterectomy, I was in the hospital 3 nights, and it was miserable. At least I had the room to myself - that was sort of nice, or it would have been, if they didn't wake me up over and over again for what really seemed to be inane BS in the middle of the night. Anyway, I just want to get it over with as quickly as possible. Gallstones suck.

The surgeon's office was surreal. It was jam-packed with people, lots of them old. One guy must have been pretty hard of hearing - he talked *really* loud. After we'd been there a few minutes, we realized that almost everyone there was bitching about how long they'd been waiting. One lady had already been there over 2 hours. Then a nurse came out and told us that one of the surgeons (the one I was waiting for) had just left to go stabilize a patient, but he'd be back ASAP. That was comforting. I had a 3:30 appointment - we didn't leave the hospital until 6:00. So we had the added bonus of rush hour traffic, with some construction thrown in just for fun. I will be *so* glad to move out of the city.

Even more suckage

2005-08-23T14:16:00.000-05:00

If you've been reading for a while, you might recall that my son gave me a horrific case of food-poisioning a few weeks ago. But even after cleaning out the slimy tea pitcher, I never did get better. Still nauseated, lots of pain, no appetite. My husband finally insisted that I go to the doctor. He sent me out for an ultrasound, and it turns out that have gallstones. The gall bladder will have to come out. I'm not sure when I'll be having the surgery, though, Still waiting for the Dr. to call me back.

The doc gave me some Phenergan for the nausea yesterday, and all I can say is "Wow". It must have some weird interaction effect with the Xanax. I kept sleepwalking and talking in my sleep, to the point that hubby just gave up and went to sleep in the guest room. I have bruises all over from bumping into things in the dark. Bleh.

Another work week finished

2005-08-19T18:31:00.000-05:00

This was not a very good week. I don't know if it's anxiety or what, but I've had butterflies in my tummy all week. I just feel so bad, and I don't know why. I'm just glad the week is over. I'm so tired of sitting at my desk all day. I wish I could figure out some way to work from home - that would be too sweet. I have a good job, good benes, good people (mostly) to work with, but for some reason I just can't stand it sometimes. Part of it has to do with listening to the weenie next door to me all day. I hired this guy years ago, and he's moved up pretty fast in the company (we're at the same level now). It has really gone to his head. Truly, I've never run into anyone before who was that impressed with himself. It's very annoying sometimes. And he's got this grating habit of just hollering from his desk at the person on the other side of my office, so I get stuck in the middle of their shouted-down-the-hall conversation. Really, is it that hard to walk 15 feet to the other person's office or call them on the phone?

The kid's been back in school 4 days now. He says he feels very conspicuous at his new school, being one of apparently just a handful of white kids. I've tried really hard to raise my kids to be color-blind, and I'm really hoping that this doesn't change his attitude in that regard. What I can't figure out is, where are the other white kids in our neighborhood going to school? There's only the one middle school that serves our neighborhood, which is very diverse. Very strange...

No root canal!

2005-08-18T09:32:00.000-05:00

The dentist visit was still really expensive, but I didn't need a root canal after all. The root wasn't broken off with the top part of the tooth - what I thought was root turned out to be granola. The broken tooth part fell out 2 days before my appointment, but I found some temporary filling stuff at the drugstore, and that worked fine for the little while I had to wait to see the dentist. I have a temporary crown right now, and I'll get a real one in September sometime. Not much else happening this week. Still a lot of side effects from kicking Effexor, but I guess that will just take time.

School started Tuesday, and of course, the kid missed the bus the very first day. I'm so glad his ass is off the couch. His new school start later than last year's, so he doesn't get on the bus until after 8. I had to change my work hours so I work 8:30 to 5:30 now. I get to sleep later, but the drive home is going to suck more. Oh, well - it can't be helped. I'm just not comfortable driving off and leaving my kid standing on a street corner.

A fond memory

2005-08-12T23:25:00.000-05:00

Out of nowhere, I just found myself thinking about one of my fondest work-related memories. I worked for a while in a secure office building where we needed to use a key to even get in the bathroom. I was heading for the potty one day just as one of the chicks from the office down the hall was leaving. She was one of those "I'm attractive and you're fat so you are invisible to me" types of people. So it was no surprise that she just let the bathroom door swing shut in my face so I had to haul my key out. As she pranced down the hall, probably thinking about how cute she was, I looked after her in annoyance. To my great delight, she'd gotten the back of her skirt caught up in the waistband of her panty hose, and she didn't have any panties on - her whole ass was bare. If she'd held the door open for me, I'd have let her know, but instead I just watched her walk down the hall to her suite and smiled. I guess that wasn't very Christian of me, but she was a real bitch. I wonder how long the engineers she worked with let her walk around like that. I like to think it was a good long while.

Where to begin?

2005-08-12T22:40:00.000-05:00

It's been quite a week. Sunday, hubby had a showdown with his boss and wound up quitting, rather than continue to be treated like a piece of shit and have his integrity questioned by some shitkicker asshole. I had terrible anxiety for a few days, but he found another job right away. Trouble is, this one's not just in another city - it's in another state. School's about to start and my house is nowhere ready to sell, so I'll be stuck here husbandless for about a year. But there's a silver lining - I'll probably be able quit working altogether next summer. The new gig he's been offered is pretty sweet, and about as rock-solid as possible as far as job security goes. Downside, it's not in the funeral biz - he's gonna manage a restaurant again. Being out of state most of the time is going to make it hard for him to get his funeral director's license, but he thinks he can pull it off. He's already got over half of the cases he needs, and as long as he can turn in two cases a month, he's got another 18 months to finish the apprenticeship. But I don't think it will take him that long. He's already got another sponsor and is working out a deal to work (for free, just for the experience) at an embalming service. It's gonna be really hard on him, but he's convinced he can do it.

In the middle of all this work drama, I bit down on a nice crunchy piece of granola and broke a damn tooth Wednesday night. The dentist was booked all day Thursday and doesn't work Fridays, so I'm in pain and can't chew until Monday morning. The tooth is a molar, and about a quarter of it (with a root) is detached from the rest of the tooth, but still stuck fast to my gum. Some times the broken tooth edges grate together - it's gruesome. And the broken piece gets twisted out of place and I have to fiddle around with it with my fingers until it settles back into its spot. That's not much fun either. I'm guess a root canal is in my future.

And the bad luck doesn't stop there - hubby's car started acting up Sunday (incidentally this was the catalyst for the showdown with his boss), and needed almost $600 work this week. Now that he's got a job lined up, he's making new car noises, but I don't want to get saddled with a car note until this one craps out for good. The mechanic said it was in great shape despite its huge mileage.

I'm still smoking like a chimney, but I'm almost off meds. Xanax consumption is way down, one in the morning only, and maybe one at night. I'm done with Effexor altogether, and I have about another 10 days or so of Wellbutrin. So pretty soon I'll get to see what my unmedicated mind is like. It's been really cool for work - I'm concentrating so much better and not spending nearly so much time goofing off while looking busy. I had a programming project that meant learning a new development tool, and I finished today. From a technical standpoint, I really think it is one of the best things I've ever done. I've accounted for every possible potential error, got the applications writing everything it does to a log file, and there's not a spare line of code anywhere - it's completely tight. No kludgy workarounds, either.

There's a paraplegic guy working in my office building for a different company, and the building management has made a ton of improvements to accommodate him. They've added automatic door openers and ramps and lowered the security scanners and such. I think it's really cool that they are doing so much for this guy, though I suspect their motive is simply to not get sued. The guy seems to have a bit of a chip on his shoulder. I guess I'd be pissy too if I was paralyzed. But you ought to see the souped-up wheelchair he zooms around in. I swear, he must be able to do 20 miles an hour. After trudging around all day in shoes that hurt my feet (they're way cute, though), I'm almost jealous.

Life stinks, literally

2005-08-06T13:36:00.000-05:00

The receptionist where I work *loves* cosmetics. She re-does her face a few times during the day - I think that by 5:00, there must be a layer of greasy powder an eighth of an inch thick. But where she really excels is with perfume. I don't recognize the scent, but it smells expensive, and she wears a *lot* 0f it. If you get in the elevator after her, you can TASTE the perfume. I carry my security card with me all day so I can use the side entrances at work - anything to avoid walking through the lobby with its cloud of flowery poison.

I don't know why I'm so bothered by odors at work (if you've been reading along for a while, you'll remember my trials with Stinky Man down the hall). They sure don't bug me at home - my house reeks, with three dogs and sporadic housekeeping. The German Shepherd is especially stinky, even freshly bathed. I guess I'm just used to it at home. Or maybe I just don't mind stink that I volunteered for - I just don't like having someone else's odor forced on me.

Not much worth blogging about

2005-08-04T19:30:00.000-05:00

I got my car back, good as new. My grandfather came to visit us over the weekend, and hubby came home Sunday and stayed til yesterday morning. I took two days off work, so I had a nice long weekend. We slept late and just laid around. Very nice.

I've been having a lot of anxiety, not sure why, but it is driving me nuts. I feel so awful most of the time, and I am crying at the drop of a hat. I'm almost off all the meds. Only 37.5 mg Effexor, the Wellbutrin, and Xanax. I'll drop the Effexor next week, and the Wellbutrin when I run out. I try to take the Xanax as little as possible, but I don't think I'll be giving it up soon. Oh well, at least it's cheap. I just couldn't afford the rest of the meds anymore, and I don't think they were helping all that much to boot. At any rate, the weaning is practically done. Have to wait and see what happens...hopefully I won't lose it again.

Suckage

2005-07-27T09:37:00.000-05:00

Went to visit hubby Saturday, and had car trouble on the way. I needed to get a jump after we stopped for gas, and then once we got to hubby's, the car wouldn't start again. So I got another jump and went went out and got a new battery. Everything was fine until Monday afternoon - when I tried to leave work, the car wouldn't start, and the burglar alarm kept sounding. I finally got it started and the alarm off and went home, but when I needed to go to the store, the damn car wouldn't start again! So, I called roadside assistance, and the guy disabled my alarm and gave me jump - all seemed to be fine. I got my groceries and went home, and the next morning (yesterday), the stupid car wouldn't start. The battery was totally dead again. I had to work from home and have the car towed to a shop. I still don't have it back yet, but my boss said I could work from home again until I get the car back sometime today. Life sucks. I have no way to pay for these car repairs - I had to call my grandfather and ask him to send money. I'm hoping the auto shop will agree to hold my check for a few days.

I've been really depressed lately, mostly about work or money. I sometimes hate my job, and I sure hate being broke all the time. Every time I think I'll be getting ahead a little bit, something else happens to wipe out my savings. Hubby's gonna look for a job close to home, but his prospects may not be too good until he gets his license next spring. That seems so far away.

Cigarettes

2005-07-21T09:57:00.000-05:00

I am absolutely obsessed with 'em today. I dreamed about cigs all night. It's been over a week since I had one, and the urge is more intense today than ever. I sometimes wish the stores would sell 'em in packs of less than 20 - hell, I'd buy a single if it was available. I just want one. Just one. Of course, one always leads to another, and another, and so on. I can't tell if all the anxiety is from cutting down on meds or giving up cigs. My evil brain keeps telling me it's the cigs, and for $3.54 I could feel a whole lot better. But then I'd just be trading anxiety for guilt. I'm not sure which one is worse.

I took too much Xanax last night, and now I'm really sleepy. Such a strange feeling - internally I'm all wired and anxious, but on the the outside, I have droopy eyelids and I can't quit yawning. Very odd. I'm sure not getting much done this morning. Just killing time until I can leave for lunch - hoping that will wake me up a bit. I sure don't want to fall asleep at my desk again - that was so embarrassing last time I got caught.

Not much to blog about lately

2005-07-20T16:13:00.000-05:00

Life's been pretty boring. I haven't smoked in over a week, but I still feel just wretched. I want cigs *so* bad. I've had a lot of anxiety the past two days, to the point that I needed extra Xanax. That is a bit disheartening, since I've been doing so well with the reduction in meds. I'm really glad to be off the Zyprexa - I've already started to lose weight since I stopped taking it. I just hope this anxiety passes soon - I don't know if I can handle it if it keeps up much longer. And there's this evil little voice in my head that tells me cigarettes would make me feel better - very hard to resist.

Work has been so boring lately, or maybe it's just me. I really hate coming in to the office everyday. I've asked to be able to telecommute part-time, but my boss won't go for it. That really pisses me off. I get more done at home than I do here. I rarely need to interact with anyone else in the office, and when I do, it's almost always email, so why do I need to be sitting here all day? Anyway, work sucks. I hate, hate, hate my job sometimes. I wish I'd never agreed to this "promotion" to development. I'll be so glad when I can quit this job.

I've been so sick lately

2005-07-15T12:05:00.000-05:00

and I found out why a few days ago. My son's been poisoning me. Not intentionally, mind you. I drink a lot of iced tea at home. One of his jobs is making iced tea. It's instant, so just add water and put the pitcher in the refrigerator, not too complicated. However, he's not been washing the pitcher before making a new batch. I have no idea when the pitcher was last washed, but when I took the lid off of it Monday, there was a thick layer of black goo on the underside of the lid. That's why I've had an upset stomach for weeks. That's why I spend my entire lunch hour in the bathroom every day. That's why I feel like I've been punched in the gut after every meal. Probably the reason for all the headaches lately too. I've had chronic food poisoning. I just want to shake that kid and ask him, "What were you thinking?" Actually, I did ask him, sans shaking, and he swears he never noticed anything amiss with the pitcher. I seem to be on the mend now, though I was hellaciously sick this week, with fever and everything. The pitcher has been thoroughly scrubbed and soaked in bleach, and I've switched to soda and water for now.

It's been otherwise uneventful around here. I've stopped the Zyprexa totally and am down to 75 mg of Effexor. Cut back on Xanax by half, too. And still no cigs - or patches. I just can't handle the adhesive on the patches, so it's cold turkey. It hasn't been too terrible, or maybe I've just been too sick to care.

Rant: WalMart bathrooms

2005-07-09T22:40:00.000-05:00

Just want to warn you all about the bathrooms in country WalMarts. I don't know about your WalMart, but the one by my house here in the 'burbs is pretty well-maintained. But today we stopped at a WalMart way out in central Texas, and I can hardly find words to describe it. This had to be one of the worst experiences ever. I don't usually bother with the paper ass gaskets anywhere, but this time, I stacked up 3. There was no coathook, so I hung my purse around my neck while I had my pee. There was no way I was gonna put it on that floor. The sink was so nasty I didn't even want to wash my hands - I figured I was safer with my own damn germs than touching that thing. I cannot for the life of me figure out why people can't use a public restroom without trashing it. There was actually *blood* all over one of the toilets. What kind of nasty bitch would do something like that and not clean up after herself? The store was crawling with employees - isn't it somebody's job to keep the restroom clean? Apparently the men's room was no better - when I met hubby afterwards, his first words were "So, how was your country WalMart restroom experience?" And he had this look on his face like he'd just stepped in dog shit or something. I didn't even ask - some things are best left unknown.

Working on a migraine

2005-07-09T22:14:00.000-05:00

I can feel it coming. Everything smells funny - that's how I know it's a migraine and not an ordinary headache. We visited hubby today, and the whole way home I smelled crayons, even though there weren't any in the car. My skull started to feel too small about 30 minutes from home, and now the pain is coming on strong. Sitting here at the computer is probably the worst thing I could be doing right now, but I tried lying down and it hurt worse. I hope it's gone when I wake up in the morning - I really don't want to miss church again.

We had a pretty good day today. I got lost on the way to see hubby and went about 30 miles out of my way before I realized it. So getting on the road early didn't really do me much good, but we finally got there. Had lunch at a Mexican restaurant - yum. Ran some errands, got into a heated discussion about money, resulting in much crying, but it was still a good day. I'd rather be arguing with my honey than sitting home alone. But we didn't spend the whole day arguing, so it was a good visit.

I cut the Effexor by one-third today (down to 75mg, from 225), and dropped the Zyprexa totally. I have a few in reserve in case I feel like I'm gonna start freaking out. But I don't think I will, at least any more than usual. I still can't believe I'm trying to quit smoking in the middle of all this. Sounds stupid, I know, but here's my reasoning - I'm gonna feel anxious and edgy with the reduction in meds, just like with quitting cigs. If I try hard enough, I can just blame it all on meds and stay away from the cigs long enough to get over 'em. I can't afford them, anyway. I have to give up on the patches, though. I'm allergic to the adhesive in them. The place where I had a patch on 5 days ago is still red and scaly - ick. So, cold turkey it is. I only have two patches left anyway, and I really don't want to spend any more money on them. So please folks, wish me luck :-)

Today was so icky

2005-07-08T18:52:00.000-05:00

Still haven't gotten the specs for this programming my boss wants done two weeks. He'll forget this, of course, when the deadline isn't met. If I'm lucky, he'll add some features at the last minute and I can fire back with "scope creep." Work was just boring. I did have a minor success and get an escalated tech support issue solved. It was a Windows problem, not our software, but the customer still complained because it took two weeks to fix. They didn't mention in their complaint that they waited over a week to call. They didn't respond to voicemails or emails until Wednesday. With that in mind, I think our response time was excellent. Anyway, work boring and sucked.

The main reason it sucked is because I spend most of the day crying. I was such an asshole about something stupid, and I made my honey really mad. He says he wasn't mad, but I've got the emails - he was *mad*. And he wouldn't answer when I called to apologize, so I was sad all day. I guess we're made up now. Hard to tell on the phone. He says everything's okay, but he still sounds mad. Or indifferent, which is somehow worse than mad. Baby, if you're reading this, I hope you forgive me. I'm really sorry.

Still no cigs

2005-07-08T09:41:00.000-05:00

My last one was about 8:30 AM on the 6th. I've got a few patches left, but I think I'm gonna have to quit using them, as I appear to be allergic to the adhesive - I've got red scaly circles all over my upper torso. Had a lot of anxiety yesterday and needed to take extra Xanax, but all better today. Except for wanting cigs so much - oh, I miss them. I can't believe I was so stupid as to start smoking again.

Work is pretty boring right now. Still waiting on the code from my boss. If he wants this work done in two weeks, he'd best hurry up and send me the info I need. I can't do anything at all until he does. I hate waiting like this. I know as soon as I start something else, he'll send me what I've been waiting on all week.

I feel like a terrible person. My oldest son just called from Florida, and the base he lives on is being evacuated. He called to see if I could wire him some money, but I am so broke right now - I don't have anything I could send him. I hope my grandfather can help him. I wish I could. Even though he's turned out to be a real asshole sometimes, he's still my baby, and I wish I could help him.

Long weekends are nice...

2005-07-05T20:02:00.000-05:00

until you have to go back to work. I reduced my meds again, this time cutting the Effexor by one-fourth, and the Xanax by one-third. I feel pretty shitty, but I think it's just because I didn't sleep well all weekend. Saturday night I was up until almost dawn, and I overslept Sunday and missed church. I slept really late again yesterday, too, so I had a hard time sleeping last night. I've tried Ambien - doesn't work at all for me. Last trip to the doctor's I got some Lunesta, and it doesn't do anything for me either. The only thing that makes me sleepy is Benadryl, and that leaves me so hung over in the morning, it's hardly worth it. In the midst of all this weaning and not sleeping, I keep trying to quit smoking. Sad to report, but I didn't make it today. I didn't smoke at all yesterday, or today til 5:20. And then the stupid cigs didn't even make me feel any better. I guess I'm all anxious because I cut back on the Xanax. I'll get used to it, I'm sure.

Hubby was home Friday night and most of Saturday, so he won't be able to come home next weekend. I haven't decided yet if we'll drive up to see him or not. With the price of gas what it is, I practically need to take out a loan to gas up my car, and there and back takes a whole tank of gas. I really want to see him, though. I'm so lonely now that he's away. I wish I'd never agreed to this sometimes, but I want him to be happy. And I guess in the grand scheme of things, the months until he finishes his apprenticeship are not all that long. But it sure feels like a long time.

Today was pretty sucky. I got a new programming assignment, which ordinarily would be cool, but this time it's to rewrite code that my boss wrote a few years ago. Working with other people's code sucks. I had to go to the post office and bank on my lunch hour, which sucked. Then I had to go to the grocery after work - sucked. And just now, getting ready for my bath, I broke my favorite toe ring, which also sucks. Of all today's suckage, that one bothers me the most. I know it was only $3 at WalMart, but it was my *favorite*. Well, off to my bubble bath now - one thing I can count on *not* to suck ;-)

My wacky evening

2005-07-01T10:05:00.000-05:00

Whew, last night was brutal. I got home from work and the air conditioner wasn't running - it was 97 degrees in my house. So I checked the circuit breaker - it was tripped. Flipped it back on, AC came on, everything seemed fine. Then about an hour later all my power went out. I checked the breakers, nothing seemed to be tripped, so I called the power company. They told me to check the breakers again and call them back. That's where the adventure started. I have 2 little dogs and one big dog. One of the little dogs hates the big dog and will start a fight to the death every chance she gets. When I went out to check the breaker again, I didn't shut the door all the way behind me, and the two little dogs followed me out and the fight was instantly *on*. The stupid little dog attacked the German Shepherd (who outweighs Ms. Stupid by 60 pounds). So there I am with 2 of my beloved dogs trying to kill each other. I grabbed the German Shepherd with one hand and pulled her away from the little dog, who just kept coming. When I tried to grab her with my free hand, she bit me - got a huge welt on my wrist. But I got her by the back of the neck and held her up off the ground - she never stopped growling and snarling the whole time. So I've got a fighting dog in each hand, with my arms as far apart as I can get them, while using one foot to keep the other little dog from getting into the mess. I'm also screaming my head off for my son to come and take the little dogs back inside. He finally heard me and came running and got the little dogs safely in the house. My German Shepherd was bleeding - got a cut by one of her eyes. There was blood all over my other hand, so I knew the little dog was hurt too, but it was also minor - a cut on her nose and one on her lower lip.

We got all the blood cleaned up, and I went back out to check the breaker again - it seemed fine, but I flipped 'em all off and back on. I went back in the house, and the lights were on, but still no AC. While I was checking the AC, I noticed that there was an old piece of power company equipment attached to my AC, left over from some energy saving program a few years ago, and it didn't seem to be functioning. So I called the power company back and told them about it, and asked them to come check and see if it was the reason my AC wouldn't come back on. They showed up in record time, and determined that it wasn't the equipment thingy - it was the breakers again. Apparently I didn't flip 'em hard enough or something. Anyway, the lights were back on, and we had cool air again.

I called my husband in the middle of all this, and he was really evasive about what he had been up to all evening, and he finally told me that he was on his way home, gonna surprise me again. But he could only spend the night and had to get up and leave really early. But the surprise booty call was pretty nice, even though I was in total agony by the time he got home. I must have pulled a hundred muscles during the dog fight. Ordinarily I wouldn't be strong enough to pick up that dog with one hand, or control the German Shepherd with one hand either. But panic-induced strength let me get away with it, and I didn't start feeling it til later. When I went to bed, it was just my hands and wrists that hurt, but now I hurt everywhere. Back, legs, neck, arms - you name it, it probably hurts. I can't wait for this day to be over so I can get in a really hot bath and then go to bed.

I am so upset

2005-06-30T17:46:00.000-05:00

I just called my mom and asked her if she'd heard from my sister. Yep, she had. Apparently sis and her husband came back to town, packed up all their stuff, and moved to New Orleans. She didn't even call me to let me know she was back in town, let alone moving away. I've been trying to call her for over a month, and her cell phone is always off. I don't know what I did to make her act like this. I'm just heart-broken about it. I guess I should have expected it, though. She's lived here for about 2 years, and in all that time, I've seen her about a dozen times. We used to talk almost every day, until she married a guy she'd known for less than a month. Now she hardly talks to anyone in the family, and none of her old friends. Her hubby seems to be very controlling - I wonder if he's keeping her from contacting any of us. I just left yet another voicemail - I don't expect she'll call me back this time either.

I can't believe what just happened

2005-06-30T15:35:00.000-05:00

Oh, my sides hurt from holding in the laughter. I'm at work, and somebody just burned popcorn in the microwave. One whole wing of the suite just reeks. I have a private office, and it's really cold, so I've got a space heater running. Since I'm just sitting here at my desk, I put my sweaty sandals in front of the space heater to dry. So to me, it smells like feet in here, but since it's my private office, I don't care. Since my office is my private domain, and I have gas, I didn't hesitate to let one fly - big mistake. I hastily grabbed some body spray to hide the evidence of my indiscretion. Now my office smells like feet, ass, and cotton candy. And one of my coworkers just stopped by to tell me how nice my office smells. Bwahaha! I almost laughed right in his face. I had to stop myself from saying, "That's because I just farted." My guess is it only smells good in here compared to the stench of burned popcorn, but who am I to argue? If someone else enjoys my farts and sweaty feet, more power to 'em.

Speaking of stink, the reign of olfactory terror seems to be over. It's been a while since Stinky Man greased himself with whatever liniment he uses (it smells like Vanish toilet bowl cleaner). Whatever was wrong finally healed up, I suppose, or someone finally said something to him. I guess I will quit farting in his office while he's at lunch now ;-)

Questions for Tom Cruise

2005-06-28T17:30:00.000-05:00

I realize it's highly doubtful that Tom Cruise will ever read my blog, but just in case, I have some questions. Mr. Cruise, you are an absolutely gorgeous bit of eye candy, but you should probably stop talking about things you obviously know nothing about. You think psychiatry is bogus, and you've been helped instead by Scientology. From what I've read, Scientology has helped you and its other adherents rid yourselves of "body thetans", thus vastly improving your lives. If I understand the material on the Internet correctly, these body thetans are invisible space cooties left over from an alien invasion 75,000,000 years ago, and it only through the vast wisdom of L. Ron Hubbard (and massive amounts of cash, I'm told) that you now find yourself cootie-free. Don't you ever wonder if maybe, just maybe, you've been scammed? Why in the world would the secrets of the universe be revealed to L. Ron, who may well be one of the worst published authors ever? The whole thing reads like one of his horrible books. If there really were space cooties glomming on to us, don't you think *real* scientists would have figured it out by now? Please, spare us the proselytizing and stick to what you do best - being decorative. And shame on you for helping to spread the word of a dangerous money-making scam that poses as a religion.

tragedy strikes my Sims universe

2005-06-28T16:54:00.000-05:00

Well, I just couldn't leave well enough alone, and used some hacking tool to change the names and addresses of some of my Sim houses, and I wound up losing the whole neighborhood. *sigh* I'd put in countless hours raising some of these Sims. Whole generations of 'em - some yards were full of tombstones. Now I have to kill them all over again.

Another nice surprise on Saturday...

2005-06-27T16:10:00.000-05:00

Hubby left, drove 3 hours to work, did his job, then drove 3 hours to come home. So I had him 2 nights in a row, when I didn't expect to have any time with him at all. It was very nice. We didn't really do anything special but go to church together. Next weekend will be my weekend to visit him, unless he's got to work all day. If he's working, we'll just stay home.

I can't believe how boring my life is these days. It's hard to be interesting when you are flat broke. I just go to work, go to the grocery, sit at the computer...that's about it. The days all sort of blend together with nothing significant to distinguish them from one another (except for hubby's surprise visits!).

I've been playing the Sims 2 University a lot lately. I've played a sorority house for so long that I've graduated about a dozen Sim chicks - now there is an acute shortage of weener in my Sims' home neighborhood. Gonna have to play the frat house and get some guys graduated so my Sim chicks can have some guy friends. This will probably be the high point of my week - helping imaginary women get laid. Oh, I need a life.

I had a nice surprise!

2005-06-25T11:23:00.000-05:00

My husband pulled a fast one on me again. I didn't expect to see him at all this weekend, since it was my weekend to visit him, and he was gonna have to work. But he just walked in the door last night - quite a surprise. Of course, he busted me with cigarettes, which made me feel really bad. But he was cool about it. Too bad I had just taken a Lunesta when he got here - I tried to stay awake, but I think I wound up going to sleep before he did. But it was so nice to have him home. I slept really, really good for a change.

I felt really weird when I woke up, and I just realized a minute ago that I forgot this morning's meds. So I went to take them, and found that I'd forgotten last night's meds, too. So that explains why I feel so weird. I was afraid it was a side effect of the Lunesta. I guess I'll be staying in today - I just don't feel like myself. I didn't have any plans for this weekend anyway, just folding clothes. The weaning was going so well - I hope I haven't derailed it. I'll be back on the regular (reduced) schedule tonight. Next weekend it will be time for another reduction.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. I didn't tell the doctor I was weaning, except for the Xanax. He wrote a scrip for 1/2 my current dose. So when I'm ready to cut back on the Xanax, I won't have to be breaking the pills in half. I've tried, and they just taste incredibly nasty that way.

While I was at the doctor's, he just casually mentioned that I'm way overdue for my supposed-to-be annual girly visit. Ugh - I hate that so much. I don't even know while I still have to have it - I had a hysterectomy years ago, so there's not much for him to check in that area. And the breast exam is even worse. The doctor is real professional and all, but he looks really, really young, like he could be one of my kid's friends, and I just feel so uncomfortable with the whole thing. Oh well, it only takes a few minutes. It would be less uncomfortable if they had paper gowns that actually fit me - everytime I move, some flabby part or another flops into view. I hope he doesn't send me for another mammogram this year. That's the absolute worst. I'm heavy, so I have pretty big hooties, and they really get squooshed at the mammo lab. I have bruises afterward for weeks.

In the midst of all this med-weaning, and trying to quit smoking, I'm also trying to be on a diet. Not doing so well on that front, but I keep at it. The biggest problem is that fattening food is cheaper than healthy stuff. And healthy stuff takes longer to cook, and I'm lazy. But, the only thing the doctor chewed me out about, in his oh-so-prefessional way, is the size of my butt. So I better get busy.

Just an ordinary kind of day

2005-06-22T18:21:00.000-05:00

Nothing spectacular, good or bad. I overslept because I haven't been getting enough sleep. I'm hoping to get to bed early tonight, but there's always something that distracts me. Last night it was the Sims. I played a stupid game until almost 1 AM. I was tired and dopey all day. I haven't cooked dinner yet, but I'm already in my jammies.

Except for not getting enough sleep, I'm not feeling all that different on the reduced meds. That's good. I can't wait to be off all this chemical crap. I hope I can get by without it. I did for a long time, and I was fine for a long time. In 8 years time, I've had 2 serious "breakdowns", both following periods of extreme and prolonged stress. Medication made me worse the first time, and I just quit. It was just Wellbutrin and Risperdal then. I got better mentally as soon as I got a new job, and I stayed that way for 7-8 years. Then we had a few really bad months, and I collapsed again. Meds made me worse again, but for some reason, I kept taking 'em. When one thing didn't work, I'd just try another. I'm still under a lot of stress, but things are better and I think I can handle my life without all these pills. Nobody ever said I was bipolar until long after I was on various meds for depression (when really, stress was the problem). I am starting to think that I'm probably not.

About meds: I don't think my chosen course of action is for everyone. If you've ever attempted suicide, or been hospitalized for a mental disorder, you need to keep taking your meds. Discuss any desire to reduce or change them with your doctors before doing anything on your own.

slow day at work today

2005-06-21T13:30:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty busy morning, but now it's pretty slow and boring. Only 1:30 and I'm already watching the clock, ready to go home. Sigh...

Med weaning is still going great. I don't notice any difference in anything, except that I take less pills. I just have ordinary ups and downs, but nothing serious. If I could only get to sleep earlier. I wind up staying up too late every night until I just can't do it any longer and collapse. I don't think that's very healthy in the long run. Hard habit to break, though.

What a weekend...

2005-06-19T19:25:00.000-05:00

We woke up yesterday to the sound of the UPS beeping, and the power went out for good shortly after. It was still dark, so we went back to sleep. The power was still out when we woke up, and it stayed out until 11 PM last night. It was almost 95 degrees in the house. We all took cold showers and then went riding around in the car for the air conditioning. I was just lighting candles and opening windows when the lights came back on, so we were able to go to sleep with the fans and AC running. Just being so hot was physically exhausting. Even my dogs were too hot to bark. Yesterday was not the greatest of days.

Today was OK. Hubby decided that we should skip church and just lay around in our PJs all day, which was fine with me. Lots of cuddle time (it was just too hot for cuddling yesterday). He just left a little while ago to go back to work. He's got a long drive ahead of him, and a whole lot of work to do tomorrow, like 4 funerals all in one day. He's gonna be really busy. I expect I'll be pretty busy tomorrow, too, since everyone will be back in the office.

Weaning off the meds is working nicely. I dropped the Effexor by one-fifth last night, and didn't notice a thing (unlike the first time I dropped the dosage). I slept so good last night - I expected twitching and nightmares like the last time. Guess I got lucky. I've been on 5 mg of Zyprexa instead of 10 for a while, and don't notice the difference, except that my mind is clearer. I'm still debating whether I should take 5 mg until I'm out, or drop down to 2.5 mg for a while before I quit 'em. Got to do some more research.

Happy today!

2005-06-17T08:35:00.000-05:00

My sweetie is coming home tonight, but he's not sure how late he'll be. He got two new cases this morning, and one in the middle of the night, so he'll be embalming all day. I can't wait for him to get here. Everything is better when he's home. I sometimes wish he'd never taken this job away from home, but I know it's good for his career, and I just have to suck it up. I hope he finds a job closer to home after his apprenticeship, so I can keep my good job just long enough to get us out of debt. Then I might not ever have to work outside my home again, which is my longterm goal. I would love to be able to devote myself to taking care of my family.

Another thing to be happy about - I'm working from home today. I have a requirements document to write (very boring - but it will keep me busy). Not much else to work on, as I got pretty well caught up this week with all the bosses gone (no new tasks for a whole week!). It will be nice to have my boss back in the office, though. I need some new challenges - everything left on my list is boring and tedious.

The med weaning is going well. I feel really good, better than I have in ages. I concentrate better, I haven't even thought about cutting myself in days, no crying (well, a little yesterday when I found out hubby was only going to be able to come home every 3rd weekend instead of every other weekend). Life is good (a welcome change!).

Oh, my eyes

2005-06-16T17:48:00.000-05:00

The bosses were all out of town this week, and the department manager they left in charge decided that she would let people wear shorts to work if they wanted. I really didn't expect anyone to take her up on it - I was so wrong. I'm still reeling...a bunch of 40-ish pasty-white guys in shorts and sandals. I'll be *so* glad when the dress code is back to normal.

Well, the headache is finally gone

2005-06-16T13:53:00.000-05:00

I've had a headache off and on since Sunday morning, but it's finally gone. I think I've just been smoking too many cigarettes and not getting enough sleep. I halved my Zyprexa dose a few days ago (that's the pill that makes it so easy to gain weight), and ever since, I've had this weird metallic taste in my mouth. Probably because I'm cutting coated tablets in half, I guess. I don't really notice any more side effects from lowering the Effexor, though the first few days were rocky, so I'm lowering it again Saturday, when I start on 2 capsules a day. I haven't had any signs of mania (except some insomnia, which I've had my whole life), nor is my usual depression any worse. I can live with that.

I do have sleeping problems, but I've had 'em for as long as I can remember. When I finally do get to sleep, I'm sleeping better than I have in a long time. It just takes me forever to fall asleep. I get sleepy really early in the evening, and if I went to bed, I'd fall asleep in a heartbeat, but then I'd be awake again by midnight. So I stay up, and the sleepiness passes, and I wind up being up til midnight or later. Benadryl helps, but it makes me feel a little hungover in the morning.

Today sucks, too

2005-06-14T12:05:00.000-05:00

I couldn't fall asleep last night because my stomach was upset, and I woke up with an incredible migraine. My head has never hurt this bad before (except for hangovers, which I don't get anymore since I rarely drink alcohol). I was two hours late for work because of it, and I don't think I'm gonna make it til the end of the day. It feels like my brains are gonna start leaking out of my ears. If I can just put in another 2 hours I can keep up with my tasks - I at least want work a half day. Unfortunately, I left my binder with the list of tasks in it at home. Very stupid. I should have just left it at work yesterday. I brought it home because I was feeling bad and I thought I might wind up working from home. I guess I should have stayed home today, but I felt like I needed to put in an appearance.

It's lunch time here, and the smell of everyone's lunch as they pass my office on their way to their desks from the kitchen is just nauseating me to death. We're pretty international here, so there are a wide variety of aromas assaulting me - right now it's predominately onions. Mixed with the usual odor of Stinky Man down the hall. It makes me want to barf.

So tired today...

2005-06-13T10:40:00.000-05:00

I didn't sleep very well. It took me forever to fall asleep. Since no one else was home, I slept with the TV on to cover up any creaky house noises. At some point during whatever movie was on, someone kept saying "Ma'am? Ma'am?", and I woke up in a panic thinking someone was talking to me. Took a while to get back asleep after that. Then I woke up 20 minutes before the clock went off, and stupid me - I went back to sleep. I'd have been better off just getting up. I didn't have a headache when I woke up naturally, but the alarm going off was like a needle through my head, and I have a headache that just won't go away. On the bright side, the only folks here in the office are the tech writers, a few other developers, the testers, and some admin flunkies. All the bosses are out of town for the week, so there's gonna be plenty of time to fart around, like I'm doing now :-)

Today wasn't so great

2005-06-12T22:03:00.000-05:00

I overslept and missed church, and woke up with a headache to boot. It was really hard to get to sleep, since I was alone in the house but for the dogs - my son was spending the night at a friend's. He's there again tonight, and the house is so lonely with just me in it. I really hate this house. It's just creepy at night for some reason, especially when no one else is home.

Weaning off the meds is coming along nicely. I've pretty much adjusted to the lower dose of Effexor, and I've halved my Zyprexa dose, too. I figure I'll be off the Zyprexa in about a week, and the Effexor by mid-July. Then I'll drop the Wellbutrin, and start working on getting off Xanax. I expect that one to give me the most trouble of all. I hate to feel anxious, and I get this awful rebound anxiety if I miss my Xanax dose. But I'm determined, and fairly stubborn, so I'm sure I will accomplish it. I want to be off everything by my birthday in August. I want to feel like myself again, instead of some drugged zombie.

I'm having a strange day

2005-06-11T16:44:00.000-05:00

Son and I drove up to see hubby, but he had to work for a few hours. I've been sitting in the office of a funeral home for what feels like eternity. I can't tell you how much I regret asking hubby if there was any hand lotion I could borrow - it was back in the room with 2 dead people in it. They were already embalmed, so it wasn't gross or anything, but just seeing them made me sad. Good thing we didn't bring the kid here - I don't think he would have enjoyed setting up his XBox in the casket showroom.

I'm feeling much better

2005-06-10T11:47:00.000-05:00

I finally got a decent night's sleep, and feel like I am over last week's pity party. I can't believe I was so pathetic - somebody should have told me to just get a grip! I have been so busy at work - I can't believe how productive I've been this week. Usually I loaf as much as I can get away with, but not this week. Just too much to do, and thankfully, I've had the energy and will to do it!

We might not get a visit with hubby this weekend - he may have to work tomorrow, so there'd be no point in us driving out to see him. But he still doesn't know if he's working or not, probably won't know until the last minute. Oh well, at least he'll be home next weekend. That's even better than visiting him - I just love it when he comes home. I don't have a care in the world when he's home with me. We've been married almost 15 years, and we are still so much in love. We've had some rough spots where we didn't even like each other very much, but that's all behind us now. Now it's like when we first got together - I get absolutely giddy when he comes home! I can't wait til his apprenticeship is over and we can all live together again. I might even be able to quit my job and just be a housewife (and probably freelance coder). That would be just wonderful.

I'm still adjusting to the lower dose of Effexor. I'd never have guessed that lowering the dose by one-sixth would have such a dramatic effect. Insomnia, crazy weird dreams, twitching - it's been quite the roller coaster. But I am determined to get off these meds. I really wonder about that bipolar diagnosis - I never had a real manic attack until I started taking anti-depressants. I just want to give God a chance to heal me (if I do in fact need healing), something that probably can't happen as long as my mind is full of chemicals. I'm tired of feeding the pharmaceutical machine. But I'm taking it really slow - don't want to freak out or anything. Wish me luck!

Weaning off meds

2005-06-08T08:13:00.000-05:00

I know that the mix of meds I'm on isn't really helping me, as I am still having mood swings like crazy. I was better before I started the meds - my swings weren't as often or as severe. Pretty much all I'm getting out of the meds is very expensive urine ;-) There's no point in taking a bunch of expensive medicine that doesn't help me. So I've started the process of weaning off the meds, and I am going to trust that God will help (and maybe even heal) me. First, the hard one - Effexor. I've heard this one is very hard to kick. I take three 75mg capsules a day. Last night I opened one of the capsule and emptied half of its contents. I really didn't think that would be enough to notice, but boy, did I notice. I couldn't fall asleep last night for ages, and when I did, I had horrible nightmares. I feel like I haven't slept at all, and I look like hell today. I guess it will take a few days to adjust. Once I've adjusted to the lower dose, I'm gonna lower it by one full capsule, and so on. When I get down to one capsule a day, I'm just going to stop the Zyprexa altogether, though I will keep them for emergencies and resume taking them if I feel really manic. Zyprexa is a particular evil drug - it make me crave sugar and gain weight. Gaining weight just makes me more depressed, so that's got to go. Once I've gotten adjusted to being without Effexor and Zyprexa, the Wellbutrin is next. That one I've used before - I can just quit it cold turkey and won't really notice a thing. Then the Xanax, my best friend. I take it 2-3 times a day, so I'll have to taper it off pretty slowly.

I think my depression right now is more of a situational thing, rather than clinical. I'm sad because my husband is working so far away that we only see each other every other week or so. There's no pill that's gonna help me with that. I'm anxious because I have a lot of debt - no pills are gonna help with that either. There's a lot of stress in my life, but I want to learn how to deal with it without all these pills. I miss my creative spark - the medication has robbed me of that - I want my art back. Not that I'm a great artist or anything, but I *need* to do creative things, and with all these meds, I've only been able to create one project in the past 2 years. Before meds, I was much more productive in that area of my life. I just want to feel normal again instead of always feeling slow and foggy. I'd rather cut myself every day than continue to feel this way. Not that I'm planning on any more cutting or anything, really. That's something that I want to give up, too.

I want normal sleep again, instead of the half-sleep that I have with all these drugs. I want to think clearly again. I want to be in charge of my own mind again. I never had a manic episode that was identified as such by a doctor until I started on these meds, so I know they are wrong for me, and just maybe my diagnosis is wrong, too. I've always been a little bit depressed, dysthymic I think they called it, but that was not enough to warrant treatment. I'm tired of feeding the pharmaceutical industry, who is only interested in treatment, not cures. If they could cure people, they'd soon find themselves out of business, so they are not working in my best interests - long-term treatment is their goal, because it costs more.

So, I guess I have several weeks of hell coming up. In the midst of it all, I intend to kick cigarettes once and for all, too. If I smoke, I want it to be pure MJ, grown as God intended it to grow. I know it's illegal, but it helped my symptoms more than all this chemical crap put together. I don't really smoke enough to get all that high - it just keeps me on an even keel, which is just what I need.

Finally!

2005-06-07T14:36:00.000-05:00

I was asleep by 9:30 and slept straight through til 7 this morning. I was hungover from the Benadryl, and dozed off at my desk for a bit, but it was worth it to get a good night's sleep.

It's been pretty boring at work today. I have a long list of stuff do to, but I don't really feel like doing any of it at the moment. I think I'm just gonna try to look busy until 5 o'clock. Shouldn't be too hard to get away with - no one here pays me any attention unless they need something from me.

I am determined to get some sleep tonight

2005-06-06T21:12:00.000-05:00

I just swallowed 400 mg of Benadryl. If that doesn't knock me out, nothing will. My mood swings seem to be tapering off, but that may be just because I went back to cigarettes. I hope to resume my "herbal" treatment again soon, no matter what hubby thinks. I think it was really helping me. I wish the government would wake up and realize that MJ is a godsend for people with a variety of medical problem.

The Benadryl is starting to kick in - I'm having a hard time typing. Oh, I am so looking forward to falling asleep early.

A surprise from my sweetie

2005-06-06T16:41:00.000-05:00

When hubby was home for the weekend, he brought me a sample of some of the best hand lotion I've ever tried. It doesn't leave my hands sticky or greasy at all, and it smells nice, too. Then he tells me it's a sample of the kind of lotion they use on dead people to keep 'em looking fresh and not dried out. Creepy as that is, I don't care - I want a big bottle of the stuff.

It's finally over!

2005-06-04T23:48:00.000-05:00

The software project from hell is finally finished. I can finally have my life back. Not sure what I will do to fill the long empty hours after work while my husband is away, but I'm sure I'll think of something. Maybe torture some Sims - sometimes I make Sims that resemble my co-workers, and then make them as miserable as possible. Wall 'em in and let them starve, get them to go swimming and then take away the ladders - they'll swim til they're exhausted and drown.

I finally finished my craft project, too. I made hundreds of little gold and copper tiles out of polymer clay and glazed them so they're really shiny. Then I sewed them in a Cross pattern on black velveteen with a matching bead in the center of each tile. The velveteen is attached to a wooden dowel with round endcaps, painted gold, and hung from a gold cord with tassels on each end. It came out really nice. My husband loves it, which was the whole point to begin with. Now I need another project.

what difference a good night's sleep makes

2005-06-04T12:17:00.000-05:00

I feel like an entirely different person today. I woke up early, fed and watered the dogs, started a load of laundry, wrote umpteen lines of code, all before anyone else in the house woke up. I don't exactly feel happy, but I am more at peace than I've been for the last few days. I doubled up on the Zyprexa the last two nights, and I think that's made a real difference. It's a nasty drug, though - make you gain weight, which I definitely don't need to do. But if my choices are crazy or fat, I think I'll pick fat.

I still have a lot of code to write, but I think that I will finally finish it this weekend. Good thing, too, as the project is already two weeks late. The customer's been pretty patient, though, and I know they'd rather have good code late than bad code on time. Time to get back to work...

Cutting haiku

2005-06-03T23:13:00.000-05:00

A sharp shiny blade
One quick slice and the flesh bleeds
Red tears of madness.

Today should have been wonderful...

2005-06-03T22:00:00.000-05:00

but it just wasn't. Every time I look at the fresh cut or the old scars on my arm, I can only think of what stupid thing self-injury is to do. My left arm, belly and thighs are covered with scars, all self-inflicted. It used to make my husband angry, but now it just makes him sad, like it is somehow his fault. But it's nobody's fault but my own. I don't even know why I do it, other than it calms me down. When my thoughts are broken into a million swirling pieces, slicing myself open brings everything back into focus - when you are trying to control a cut, you *really* focus on what you are doing. When I feel disasociated from myself, the pain of a cut or a burn makes me feel alive again. When I feel mania creeping up on me, the cutting is like blood-letting - I feel like the poisonous thoughts are leaking out of me with every drop of blood. When I am in a deep depression, it makes me feel a bit better to punish myself - I only feel guilty about it later.

I used to smoke pot recreationally, and gave it up a few weeks ago. Hubby and I both decided it was just complicating our lives, and it would be bad for his career - imagine being stoned and having to go out and collect someone's dead body...not cool at all. So I gave it up, and at first I didn't miss it. But now I think it was helping me manage my mental illness in some way. I feel sicker now than I have in a long time and I just wish I had some nice green bud to take away my ills. My mood swings are terrible right now - I'm rapid-cycling, I think. My ups and downs were a lot farther apart and not nearly as strong when I was toking. But today, I've gone up and down like every hour or so. I absolutely had to have cigs today, anything to distract me from the lure of a blade. I've gone through so much Xanax lately that I'm going to run out before I can fill the prescription again, and it's not helping. I've built up such a tolerance that it doesn't even make me sleepy anymore. I've taken as much as 12 mg at once (my usual dose is 1 mg 3x daily) and I don't even get tired or a buzz or anything except the edge off my anxiety. And some amnesia - I'll forget whatever I did after a dose like that.

My husband is home til Monday morning, and I should be happy, I know. But I just feel sad and manic and crazy, all at the same time. I remember when manic felt good - now it's just scary. I feel like I might lose my mind altogether sometimes. Or maybe I already have - what person in their right mind would cut herself on purpose? I only know one other cutter, and she's crazy as a loon. I don't want to be like that. Sometimes I simply don't want to *be* at all, but my family needs me and that keeps me going. I can't let them down. If my husband lived at home right now, I think I would just go check into some hospital and stay there as long as my insurance would let me, but that's just not possible. If I could afford to live on disability income, I'd stop working in heartbeat, but that's not possible right now either. So I get up every day and go to work, where I pretend to be okay. No one sees me crying at my desk. No one knows that sometimes I stick myself over and over again with a needle (on my scalp, where it doesn't show). I smile and greet people like everything is fine. No one knows that it feels like I'm dying inside. The people I work with don't know that I don't have any friends, or that the only reason I leave my house is to work or get groceries. I'm not part of any of the little cliques in our office. No one asks me out to lunch, or stops by my office just to chat. Sometimes a whole week will pass without anyone setting foot in my office for any reason. Fifty people there, most of whom I've known for almost 10 years, and nobody really knows me at all.

I'm hoping that going to church this Sunday will make me feel better. No one knows me there, since I haven't been going very long, but I get some peace just being there. It's one place where I know am welcome, and I can feel like I belong, even if it's just for an hour each week. I know that if I kneel at the altar to pray, the pastor's wife will come pray with me, and she's such a caring person - she just radiates love and compassion and I cherish every second that I spend with her. Last week she put her arm around my shoulder and prayed with me at the altar and I was moved to tears. How someone who's known me for less than two months can make me feel loved and cherished is an amazement to me.

I wish that sleeping pills worked for me - Ambien is all my doc will prescribe, and it may as well be water for all the good it does me. Benadryl works, but I have to take a lot of it, and it makes me feel hung over the next day. But it stops the nightmares that I've been having, or maybe it just stops me from remembering them. I guess that will have to be good enough for now. Well, I guess that's enough self-pity for one day. Stay tuned, I'm sure there's more crazy rambling to come.

I am falling apart today

2005-06-02T11:25:00.000-05:00

I have been taking my meds, but they failed me today. I just found myself carving into my arm with a razor knife. I stopped myself before any serious damage, but I'm so disappointed in myself - I've been pretty good at resisting my self-injury urges lately. I also caved in and bought a pack of cigarettes - more SI, just slower than cutting, I guess. I wish I could afford a shrink. My GP keeps telling me to see one, but I just can't afford it, and I make too much money for any public health services. My insurance sucks, as far as mental health is concerned. Maybe once I change over to hubby's plan (at least a year from now) I will be able to afford it, but for now I'm just screwed. This blog is my therapy, I guess.

I'm not sure what set me off today. Nothing's really happened except that I had a bunch of bad dreams last night. I'm starting to think that bi-polar isn't my only problem. And I keep having the most disturbing thoughts - of taking a meat cleaver and hacking off my left hand. It's a most unwelcome vision - I'm not one of those amputation freaks. On the contrary, I have an absolute horror of amputation. I can hardly stand to see amputees. I don't think I could stand to lose even a fingertip, let alone a hand. But I keep visualizing this awful thing just the same. I keep praying that God will take this horrid vision out of my mind, but it's stuck there today, like some stupid song that gets stuck in your head.

Speaking of stupid songs that get stuck in your head - did you know that you can sing "Amazing Grace" to the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme song? The meter is a perfect match. Great - now I'm gonna hear that in my head all day. Maybe it will distract me from thinking about cutting off my hand. Man, I'm one screwed-up chick today. I'm glad I don't own a meat cleaver. And I'm glad that the gun is with hubby now. He took it with him, supposedly so he could get some target shooting in, but I think he just wanted to make sure that I couldn't get at it.

I just noticed what today is...

2005-06-02T09:55:00.000-05:00

Today is the 25th anniversary of the day that my first serious boyfriend was killed. He was such a great person, and I was as desparately in love as a 15-year-old girl can be. A speeding car ran a red light and hit Joe, who was on his motorcycle. He was dragged about 100 feet. The helmet just made it possible for him to have an open casket. Rest in peace, Joe. I still think about you every year on this day and wonder what might have been.

Damn, damn, damn!

2005-06-02T09:40:00.000-05:00

I just got a call from my overseas customer about the code I've been writing for them. Apparently I didn't correctly interpret part of their specification, and now a major rewrite of two functions is necessary. I'm supposed to be on vacation tomorrow, but I have a feeling that I'll spend at least part of it writing code. I usually love programming, but this particular project has lost it's challenge and has just become tedious.

I had terrible nightmares all last night. It's all a jumble of random images now, but it was just awful stuff. I don't feel like my sleep did me any good at all last night. Not even 10 AM and I'm already yawning. Gotta go get some coffee, I guess - I don't want to be caught snoring at my desk again.

Hubby's got a church function to go to tonight, so he's not gonna get home til late. I'll probably be asleep when he pulls up in the driveway, but the dogs will have woken me up by the time he makes it to the front door.

Will 5:00 ever get here?

2005-06-01T17:00:00.000-05:00

I can hardly wait to go home and soak in some hot bubble bath. It's been a long and highly unproductive day. I'm feeling a bit manic (probably from all the caffeine) today, and I can't concentrate. The clock seems to be moving very sloooooowly. Yesterday went by much quicker, since I spent a considerable portion of it asleep. I thought I was gonna be in trouble when I found out it was the CEO that caught me sleeping, but so far, nothing's been said. My boss it out of town, so I won't be totally sure til he comes back. I'll just blame meds if anything comes of it. I've been here almost 10 years and have never even been written up, but my boss can be a real dick sometimes.

I am counting the hours til hubby gets home. We were supposed to go to New Orleans this weekend to watch our son renew his wedding vows, but apparently the happy couple is too broke to make the trip, so we don't have to go now. What a relief. It costs a fortune to board my dogs, and I really don't like my daughter-in-law all that much. She's bipolar, too, but she doesn't take her meds regularly, and just about every other word out of her mouth is a lie. She also did something absolutely reprehensible - she called Child Protective Services and told them that we subject our 12 year-old to extreme physical and mental abuse. She also told them that we actually smoke pot with the child. CPS wasn't supposed to let us know who called, but the social worker wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, and mentioned that the caller was married to the child's brother. Since we only have 2 kids, that sorta narrowed it down. I know it's un-Christian, but I don't think I will ever be able to forgive her for that.

Almost time to go, but before I can get into my bubbly bath, I have to stop and get groceries. I hate shopping for groceries. Especially at the Super Wal-Mart. But it's the only place that is on my way home, so that's where I'm going. Something about Wal-Mart seems to attract the strangest folks - we call 'em Walmartians. This store is about a mile from my neighborhood. How come I've never seen these weirdos before? And there's almost always something in my cart that sets off the shoplifter alarm when I leave. I'm tempted to tell 'em to take everything back and return my money next that happens - I saw a lady do that once at a clothing store where I was working, and it really made an impression on the manager.

My, my, my...just look at me rambling on. But at least it filled the time - 5:00 finally got here, and I am *leaving*.

I am so embarrassed

2005-06-01T08:57:00.000-05:00

So, I was sitting at my desk at work yesterday, and Windows got flaky on me and needed a reboot. While I was waiting for the computer to restart I fell asleep at my desk, hands on the keyboard. Guess who caught me asleep - the CEO, no less. He sent the office manager down to my office to wake me up and sent me home. She said it took her several tries to wake me up. I don't know why I fell asleep like that, I didn't even feel sleepy, but I was out for over an hour, maybe 2. And snoring. At least I didn't drool. I fell asleep with my head forward, and now my neck is so sore. It was very embarrassing. I took an ECA stack this morning to ensure that I stay alert all day - I'm so alert that I feel like I've snorted coke or something. Seriously, my eyeballs are practically vibrating.

On a lighter note, I have another long weekend coming up and hubby is going to be able to spend 4 whole nights at home. I always sleep better when he's home. He's very cuddly, much more so than the pillow I use as a substitute. I can hardly wait for Thursday night to get here. We didn't get to see each other at all this last weekend because of his work. It will be so nice to have him home.

so sad today

2005-05-27T13:24:00.000-05:00

I have a four-day weekend and no one to spend it with. Hubby can't come home due to work, and since he'll be working all weekend, he says there's no point in us driving out to visit. This will be the first weekend we've gone without seeing each other since he started working out of town. I'm so sad. I just want to curl up on the bed and cry myself to sleep. Oh well, at least I will get to sleep late.

I do need the rest. I worked myself half to death this week. We had a power outage at work on Tuesday, and my UPS didn't give me enough time to save my work, so I lost several hours of programming. I worked from home til the power went out again at 9:30 PM. Then on Wednesday, I worked a regular workday, then came home and worked from 5:30 PM to 7 AM the next morning, and I still didn't get all the work done to meet my Thursday deadline. But, since hubby's not going to be home, I will have plenty of time this weekend to program. I'd rather write code than iron or dust or vacuum, or any of the other gazillion chores piling up around here.

I wasn't gonna blog about this, but he insisted...

2005-05-19T18:15:00.000-05:00

I was so happy to have hubby home early that I left out some details of just *why* he came home. It's all gonna be way TMI, but for whatever reason, hubby insists that the event is blog-worthy, probably because it was his first time...

You see, he's been working out of town since February, and since then, he's been, well, irregular. This causes him no end of distress. Even adding fiber pills to his daily meds didn't help. He didn't just come home for sex or the comfort of his own home. He came home so that I could ADMINISTER AN ENEMA. Apparently he's been in acute distress all week - his poor tummy was hard as a rock. I'd told him to go get a Fleet kit at the drugstore, but instead he drove 3 hours so he could share this experience with me.

I had a hard time refraining from giggling (okay, laughing like a hyena) throughout the whole process. First we have to locate the "hot water bottle" - found it way in the back of the bathroom cabinet. Next, a suitable lubricant (Astroglide). I order hubby to stand in the tub, you know, just in case. The look on his face was just priceless, but he complies. I lube up the nozzle, an act that he catches out of the corner of his eye. "That's not gonna cut it," he says. Oh, no - I must apply Astroglide to the, um, orifice. He's absolutely, well, anal about hygiene in that area, so, no problem - he gets lubed, too. The bag holds two quarts of warm water, I get it ready to go and hang it on the towel rack. He's bent over, grabbing his cheeks, and I'm biting my lip to keep from laughing. Now, this nozzle's no bigger around than a pencil, but it may as well have been a tree trunk for all the noises he made during the (thankfully, brief) insertion. I tell him to hold it in place and release the clamp on the hose. Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle - I can actually hear the water sloshing around IN HIS COLON. Bag empties, he's moaning and groaning, and I've nearly bitten through my lip. I tell him to hold it as long as he can, which turns out to be not long enough to obtain the desired relief. We have to do it again. And then again. Who said married life isn't romantic...

So, here you go, hubby - I've told your story. You took it like a man...all six quarts of it. Google Ads, do your worst.

Happy, happy, happy!

2005-05-19T09:36:00.000-05:00

OK, I gave in and bought some cigs, so I was pretty bummed out, but the day ended on a really high note. My hubby came home unexpectedly! I didn't expect him til Friday night, and he just walked in the door. Scared the hell out of me at first, because I wasn't expecting the front door to just open, but I was so glad to see him. Of course, he busted me smoking, but he wasn't mad or anything, and I threw the rest of the cigarettes away. He might be home all the way through Sunday! Too bad I have to be at work during the day, but at least there will be somebody to come home to at the end of the day. I'm so happy that not even Mr. Stinky down the hall can bother me. It will be so nice to have some help around the house - hubby says he'll vacuum and do groceries after my lunch hour. He's so sweet to me sometimes.

The only downside was that our Jack Russell terrier could not stand being in her crate at night since Daddy was home and he let her sleep in the bed. You would not believe how much bed space a 17 pound dog can take up. She likes to worm her way in between us, then she pushes me with her feet. The kids pulled that same trick when they were little. But I didn't mind a bit last night - I was just too happy.

Another morning wasted

2005-05-18T10:36:00.000-05:00

So far, I've accomplished no actual work today. I did a few daily chores, checking to see that servers were up and running properly, making a copy of last night's database backup, but I haven't written a single line of code. I *absolutely* have to finish this by Friday, too. If I was using our product's API, I'd have been finished weeks ago, but no - the customer wants to manipulate the database directly, and it is such a major pain in the butt.

So, here I am, sounding busy as hell, getting nothing accomplished, but enjoying my day nonetheless. I work pretty well under deadline pressure, so I hope that I'll be churning out code tomorrow. I'm just not motivated to do much about it now, maybe after lunch it will be better.

I'm not coughing quite as much, which is a blessing. I thought I was gonna hack up a lung yesterday. I forgot my nicotine patch this morning, and I *really* want to smoke now. But that probably wouldn't do my cough any good, and it would wreck my self esteem again. I know that, because I've done it plenty of times, but I'm almost positive that I'll be buying cigs on my lunch hour. By then, I'll have rationalized somehow that I deserve a smoke every now and then. I wish they sold singles instead of just packs.

I noticed last night that the dust in my house has reached a level that even I can't stand. Guess how I'll be spending my lunch hour - yep, dusting. I figure I can get the living room done before I have to go back to work, and I'll tackle my bedroom tonight. If I'm still motivated to dust by 5:30. Usually I just want to crash the instant I get home from work, but I feel pretty energetic today, thanks to an ECA stack this morning. That's ephedrine, caffiene, and aspirin - really gets you moving. I can't take one very often or it will eventually wreck my moods, but every now and again it helps me get going in the morning. And this morning it was really hard to get up - I overslept by 30 minutes, leaving me only 15 minutes to get ready for work. I definitely do not look my best today. But I feel good, so who cares!

Will this day never end?

2005-05-17T16:30:00.000-05:00

I can't concentrate on my work, as it is interrupted by a coughing fit every few minutes. The stinky co-worker has applied a fresh coat of funkiness - I guess my cold must be getting better, since I can smell him from his office two doors down the hall from me. I just kicked a product support techie out of my office with the advice "get the correct information from the customer before you bother me". I'm nearsighted, so I lean over the desk to see the monitor better, and all the coughing has pinched my flesh between the desk and my underwires so much that the skin is red and raw. I'm in a foul mood and just want to go home, run a hot bath and soak, then get into my jammies.

Not sure yet what movie I want to fall asleep during, maybe a zombie flick. I love horror movies, and flesh-eating zombies are my favorite. I've already watched Dawn of the Dead (both the original and the remake) this week. Maybe it's time for an old B&W film - I have the original Night of the Living Dead, which is pretty good (better than the remake, in my opinion). Or maybe a sad movie - My Life is always good if you need a crying session. But that would probably make me all stuffy again. Last night it was comedy - Rocketman. Yes, I know it's a really stupid film, but it makes me laugh.

I'm gonna run out of Xanax too soon if I don't stick to the prescription rules, so tonight's sleep will be induced by Benadryl & melatonin. My doctor would give me Ambien if I asked for it, but I've taken it before and it does not make me fall asleep or stay asleep. It just gives me amnesia - I lose big chunks of time from both before and after sleeping. Not a good thing at all. If I could afford a psychiatrist, I'm sure I would get better drugs, but we have to watch our money real close right now, so I'm stuck with the GP for now. I wish I could just sleep like a normal person.

I have to miss yet *another* day of work next week. My 12 YO is having his first root canal and will be under IV sedation, and they said I shouldn't leave him alone after we get home as he'll still be groggy and such. I'm sure my boss is so pleased. Oh well, tough shit. Them's the breaks. I already scheduled the 27th and the 3rd as vacation days, and we are closed on the 30th, so that means I have 2 3-day weeks in a row. That suits me just fine...the less time I spend in the office, the less time I have to spend smelling Mr. Stinky. I'm half tempted to smuggle some dog shit in and leave it in his office. It would be worth having to smell dog shit just to get back at this a-hole. Hell, dog shit would probably be an improvement. At least it's natural ;-)

I feel like I'm drowning

2005-05-17T09:51:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm over last week's pity party and feel much better about myself and life in general, except for two things. One - I have this terrible wet cough and it feels like I'm trying to breathe water (which is an improvement over yesterday, when it felt like I was trying to breathe fire). Two - my hairdresser quit and I don't know where she went, so I'm letting my hair grow out, and it looks really stupid right now. Hubby says don't worry, it looks fine. Mirror says it looks like Ted Koppel on a bad hair day.

Somehow I have to get motivated to write this stupid data transfer code. I always have this problem when programming. Once the challenging part is over, I get bored with the project and it is just so hard to work on something that is boring. But I told the customer I'd finish it up this week, so I better get busy.

Hubby's weekend to come home is coming up, and I can't wait! I know we'll spend it doing romantic things like clean out the garage and watch Nascar, but I just want him to be home. I hate that we have to live apart right now. If he gets the transfer we are expecting next spring, that means I only have to live like this for a year. If he doesn't get the transfer, or if the offer isn't sweet enough, I'm gonna pitch a fit til he finds a job here in the city. I know he wants to live out in the country, but as long as we need my salary & insurance, the city is where we have to stay. But that argument, if it comes to that, is at least a year away. Oh, it sounds like such a long time.

Oh, the joys of parenthood

2005-05-16T10:16:00.000-05:00

This morning around 1:45 my son woke my up, said his stomach hurt and asked if he could sleep in my bed. I said "Sure". I should have said "Get a bucket". He wasn't in the bed 5 minutes before he started barfing on the floor. I sent him to the bathroom, and he got to the bathroom door before the next volley of projectile puke. So, I lost a good hour or so of sleep dealing with the vomit mess. It was everywhere. I missed a few spots when cleaning, but one of the dogs took care of that for me this morning - guess who's not licking my face when I get home today. Poor kid - he apologized over and over for disturbing my sleep. I wasn't real happy about waking up in the middle of the night for the barf-o-rama, but hey, that's parenthood. I just hope I don't start puking too.

I didn't do so well in my battle against cigarettes this weekend. I forgot my patch Saturday and bought a pack when visiting hubby - we were with other smokers, and it was just too hard to not smoke. But now I have nasty chest cold, and no desire whatsoever to smoke. Even air burns in my throat right now - I can't even imagine how painful it would be to try and smoke now. In a way, I'm grateful for the cold - it will definitely keep me off cigs for a few days at least. And if I can get through the next few days, maybe I can kick the habit again.

I was too sick Sunday to go to church, so I just watched church on TV Sunday morning and read a bit of the Bible. Hubby didn't get a chance to go to church either - he was on call over the weekend and wound up working til 4 AM Sunday morning (he's an apprentice undertaker). As a brand-new Christian, church is really important to him, but I'm sure God understands why we just couldn't make it this weekend. Next weekend, hubby will be home, so we will be able to all go together.

I'm a bit ticked off at my oldest son. He's 19, married, and in the Army. He didn't call on Mother's Day or even send a card. He wants us to go to Louisiana in June when he and his wife renew their vows (just after their first anniversary!), but I think the only reason they are doing this is because they want wedding presents - they eloped last year, so there was no celebration or anything. Since he didn't even call me, I'm tempted to just not go to his little celebration. I'll probably send a gift, but I really don't want to give up a weekend at home with hubby for a kid that doesn't even call his parents.

Well, I fell off the wagon again

2005-05-13T18:36:00.000-05:00

Yep, more cigs. Oh, well, at least it wasn't razor blades or matches. I know hubby will be disappointed in me when he reads this, but not as disappointed as he'd be if started carving or burning myself again. There won't be any opportunity to smoke tomorrow, so I know I'll have at least *one* cig-free day. I don't know why I keep doing this - I don't even like the way they taste anymore, and the smell gets to me as well. But I guess I'm just totally addicted. I hate myself every time I light a cig, but not quite enough to throw them away.

Work was uneventful today. I managed to stay busy enough, and I didn't break down and buy cigs until after work was over. But on the way home, I stopped to get a soda, and the guy at the counter knows me and my brand, and the cigs were on the counter when I got there to pay for the soda. I don't know why I didn't just say no. Too much stress, I guess. No Xanax fest for tonight, either - got to get up early to go see my honey. This will be our first visit since he moved in with one of his co-workers. I don't think we'll be having any woohoo, though - I just don't think I'll feel comfortable about doing the deed in some old lady's house while my kid plays on his Xbox!

I don't know how much more I can take

2005-05-13T08:36:00.000-05:00

Well, the only good thing that happened yesterday was that I found out that my son doesn't have to go to summer school - that's a relief. But he does need a root canal, which will cost $1006 that I don't have. The dentist has a finance plan with no interest, so that's not too terrible, but it means I'll miss yet another day of work. And last night my husband had a car accident - he's okay, but his car needs some work. Since he rear-ended the other car, it will appear that it was his fault, so now we may be in danger of losing our auto insurance. I just don't know how much more I can take. My husband tried to tell me that God never gives you more than you can handle - that's a joke. Yesterday was way more than I could handle. I took way too much Xanax, an extra mood stabilizer and 3 benadryls, just so I could pass out and avoid life for a few hours of sleep. And sleep I did, finally. I think I was out by 9:30 and slept til 7:15. I got up briefly at 6:30 to wake up my son and put the big dog out, but the lure of the comfy warm bed was just too strong, so I deliberately went back to bed to oversleep, knowing I would be late for work. No big deal, as everybody I work with comes in late. I sure hope today is better than yesterday was - I don't know how much more I can take.

It hasn't been a very good week

2005-05-12T10:08:00.000-05:00

I haven't been able to stay asleep through the night all week, which makes it really hard to stay awake at work, so I feel pretty run down. I bought a workout CD and couldn't even do 10 minutes of it, so that was pretty discouraging. I fell off the wagon and smoked again, and I have this persistent urge to do it again today. With the day I have ahead of me, I don't think I'm going to make it. I have to take my son to the dentist this afternoon, which is sure to be expensive due to his terrible oral hygiene. After that, I have a conference with his teachers - funny how they waited til the end of the school year to ask for a conference. I have a feeling that they are going to tell me that he'll be going to summer school this year. Yesterday, my hubby and I had an exchange of emails that ended up with me crying for the rest of the day and night - my eyes are all puffy and red, and I can't even think about yesterday without tearing up again. Everything just sucks this week. I can't concentrate on my work. I can't keep my house clean. I can't quit smoking, or stick to a diet, or work out, or accomplish anything I want to do. I hate to be so negative, but that's really all I can feel right now. I hate my life sometimes. This weekend will be the first weekend that I have to go to church without my husband, and I'm just dreading it - I feel so self-concious and awkward and stupid on my own. I haven't done anything to hurt myself in months, but all week, all I can think about is razor blades and matches. The only thing that stops me is that I don't want to disappoint my husband yet again. I just wish I could go back to bed and stay there for a few days. But there are bills to be paid, and groceries to be bought, and errands to be run, and nobody to help with anything except a 12-year-old boy.

Happy Mother's Day!

2005-05-08T20:33:00.000-05:00

We had a really nice day today, despite the awful weather. It rained a lot and the wind was so strong that the tree in the front yard lost several large limbs - there's a big pile of branches in the driveway, and no man around to cut 'em up for me. They'll just have to sit there til hubby comes home again. The dogs are pretty miserable - they all had to go in their crates early because of the weather. I just took them outside (individually, of course, since they all hate each other) to have a pee. The inside dogs were hilarious - they didn't want to squat on the wet grass, but they really had to go. It looked like they were trying to walk tip-toe, if you can imagine a dog doing such a thing. The German Shepherd, on the other hand, loves rain and especially mud, so she didn't mind a bit. But now they are all back in their crates and my day is officially *over*.

The power went out while I had dinner on the (electric) stove, and I thought I'd turned off the burners. Unfortunately, I turned one of them to High by mistake and burned the rice when the power came back on. The house reeks of burnt Spanish rice and wet dogs. Oh, well - I'm used to having a stinky house. When you have three dogs, that's just the way it is. German Shepherds are particularly stinky, even right after a bath, but we still love her.

Church was lovely this morning. The sermon was about mothers, of course, in honor of Mother's Day. It was very moving, and made my son cry. I hate to see him cry, but in a way, I'm glad that he's still tender-hearted. It means he's still my baby, even though he's almost as tall as I am. I wish that kids didn't grow up so fast - he just got his first pimple the other day, so I guess he's gonna be getting his puberty on pretty soon. I'm so not ready for this one to grow up on me. It seems like I was just changing his diapers yesterday, and now he's almost grown. Where did the time go?

My wonderful hubby helped me clean out our study so I could get at my craft stuff. It's still not completely organized, but we threw out two big bags of junk and moved some other stuff to the spare bedroom to get it out of the way. I just have one box of stuff left to go through and sort, and then it will be done, and time to get busy on some craft projects!

In my happy place again

2005-05-07T20:59:00.000-05:00

Hubby came home for the weekend again, and I am so happy. I finally got a decent night's sleep. After 15 years, it's really hard to get used to sleeping alone, so I always sleep better when he is home. We slept late and then spent most of the day shopping. We bought some clothes for our son and some DVDs. I bought a pack of DVD+R's but my new drive doesn't like them any better than the last pack I bought, even with a firmware upgrade. What a waste of 17 bucks. I'm gonna try to sell 'em to somebody at work, or maybe put them on Ebay.

It was a beautiful day today, even though it was pretty hot. Just the beginning of May and it's already 85 degree - I dread the summertime. It gets so hot here in the summer. My outside dog (the German Shepherd) usually drops 5 or so pounds every summer because it's just too damn hot to eat. She'll fill out again when the weather cools off, though. I wish I could lose weight just because the temperature changed ;-)

Don't really have too terribly much to post about. Not much planned for tomorrow except for church and cleaning out the study so I can get at my craft stuff again. Of course, I will take the time to call my mom, since it's Mother's Day. We did our celebrating today, since hubby has to leave tomorrow. I got two new books, part of a series I've been reading, and a new Bible. And some lovely cards. My husband can be very thoughtful sometimes, and he's great at picking out cards. I'm gonna be miserable tomorrow when he leaves again.

I found the culprit at last!

2005-05-05T14:25:00.000-05:00

Finally, after several weeks, I've finally figured out who in the office smells like Vanish toilet bowl cleaner. Unfortunately, I found it out only because the stinky culprit came into my office with a fresh coat of funk. My office now smells like a bathroom. Oh, will 5:00 pm ever get here? I tried putting on some body spray to distract me from the odor - now it smells like cotton candy *and* a toilet. I'm glad I did housework on my lunch hour instead of eating - this stench has my stomach in knots. I'm seriously thinking about buying some brand of odorless liniment and leaving it on my stinky co-worker's desk - perhaps he will get the hint.

Goofing off at work

2005-05-05T10:41:00.000-05:00

I can't get any further with my programming assignment until someone answers my !#$%^&* questions, so here I am, pretending to work. I have a private office, so nobody knows what I'm doing, and typing this sounds like work. The web logs won't even give me away, since I make a remote connection to my home PC to do my goofing off. All they can tell is that I am connected to my home PC, not what I'm doing - I feel pretty safe, as I've been doing this for years whenever work was slow and haven't be caught yet. Crafty, eh?

Hubby gets to come home this weekend again, since his boss needs him to be on call the following weekend. I'm so happy that he will be home for Mother's Day. We're going to do some housework together - hubby says he will vacuum for me and help me organize my study so I can start working on my craft projects again. I'm starting to feel creative for the first time in a long time, and I have a new project brewing in my head. I usually make jewelry, and sometimes make my own beads from polymer clay, but this one is a mixed media project that will involve square clay "buttons" sewn onto a fabric background. I can't wait to get started! I just hope I can get going before I lose the creative impulse. It's been so long since I felt this - I hope it's the real deal and not the beginning of a manic attack. I really don't need another one - the last big one almost got me fired.

This is driving me crazy

2005-05-04T17:12:00.000-05:00

I'm still at the office, and someone here has applied some sort of liniment to themselves that smells exactly like Vanish toilet bowl cleaner. It's been going on for weeks, and I can't figure out just who it is. But they stink on ice. This would be a good time to go home, just to avoid the reek.

One thing after another

2005-05-04T16:51:00.000-05:00

After the great weekend we just had, I didn't think anything could bring me down, but then I sat down to pay bills Monday night. To my surprise, we were overdrawn - I'd accidentally entered my hubby's paycheck twice, so we spent it twice. Luckily, my grandfather said he'd send me a check to help out. My car's been in the shop 3 times in the last month, transmission, brakes, and now belts. Hubby's got it right now - he can get the work done cheaper out in the country than I can in the city - and he says the car is totally cherry now. I can't wait for the weekend to come so I can get my car back - I hate driving hubby's Corolla. I want my big car back! Everytime I get out of the Corolla, I expect to be followed by 30 clowns. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but it *is* a small car, and I'm not a small person. My car is much comfier. With any luck, hubby will be home again for the weekend in two days - if not, I'm driving up to see him and kidnap my car.

We got some rain last night, which means I had to put my German Shepherd in the dog run instead of in the yard. She hates to be confined, so I had to drag her through the muddy yard before I got ready for work. I was still in my pajamas and barefoot, half asleep, but you can bet I woke up in a hurry when I felt poo between my toes. Wet, rained-on dog poo. What a way to start the morning, eh? I decided to skip breakfast. I got to work late (it took a while to wash the stink off), but lucky me - my boss was out sick. I actually got some real work done today, about 200 lines of code. It was so nice to be able to concentrate. I was sort of manic earlier in the week, especially after I found out we were out of money, but it's better now. I took my mania out on the kitchen and cleaned like crazy. I'm not much of a housekeeper, so it was pretty funky in there, but it's sparkly now. Just don't look in the fridge - there are some ancient groceries in there. And I just remembered that there is still oven cleaner in the oven. I sprayed it in there on Monday. I guess I have a chore to do when I get home now. Joy...