Thursday, July 21, 2005

Cigarettes

I am absolutely obsessed with 'em today. I dreamed about cigs all night. It's been over a week since I had one, and the urge is more intense today than ever. I sometimes wish the stores would sell 'em in packs of less than 20 - hell, I'd buy a single if it was available. I just want one. Just one. Of course, one always leads to another, and another, and so on. I can't tell if all the anxiety is from cutting down on meds or giving up cigs. My evil brain keeps telling me it's the cigs, and for $3.54 I could feel a whole lot better. But then I'd just be trading anxiety for guilt. I'm not sure which one is worse.

I took too much Xanax last night, and now I'm really sleepy. Such a strange feeling - internally I'm all wired and anxious, but on the the outside, I have droopy eyelids and I can't quit yawning. Very odd. I'm sure not getting much done this morning. Just killing time until I can leave for lunch - hoping that will wake me up a bit. I sure don't want to fall asleep at my desk again - that was so embarrassing last time I got caught.

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