Wednesday, July 27, 2005


Went to visit hubby Saturday, and had car trouble on the way. I needed to get a jump after we stopped for gas, and then once we got to hubby's, the car wouldn't start again. So I got another jump and went went out and got a new battery. Everything was fine until Monday afternoon - when I tried to leave work, the car wouldn't start, and the burglar alarm kept sounding. I finally got it started and the alarm off and went home, but when I needed to go to the store, the damn car wouldn't start again! So, I called roadside assistance, and the guy disabled my alarm and gave me jump - all seemed to be fine. I got my groceries and went home, and the next morning (yesterday), the stupid car wouldn't start. The battery was totally dead again. I had to work from home and have the car towed to a shop. I still don't have it back yet, but my boss said I could work from home again until I get the car back sometime today. Life sucks. I have no way to pay for these car repairs - I had to call my grandfather and ask him to send money. I'm hoping the auto shop will agree to hold my check for a few days.

I've been really depressed lately, mostly about work or money. I sometimes hate my job, and I sure hate being broke all the time. Every time I think I'll be getting ahead a little bit, something else happens to wipe out my savings. Hubby's gonna look for a job close to home, but his prospects may not be too good until he gets his license next spring. That seems so far away.

Thursday, July 21, 2005


I am absolutely obsessed with 'em today. I dreamed about cigs all night. It's been over a week since I had one, and the urge is more intense today than ever. I sometimes wish the stores would sell 'em in packs of less than 20 - hell, I'd buy a single if it was available. I just want one. Just one. Of course, one always leads to another, and another, and so on. I can't tell if all the anxiety is from cutting down on meds or giving up cigs. My evil brain keeps telling me it's the cigs, and for $3.54 I could feel a whole lot better. But then I'd just be trading anxiety for guilt. I'm not sure which one is worse.

I took too much Xanax last night, and now I'm really sleepy. Such a strange feeling - internally I'm all wired and anxious, but on the the outside, I have droopy eyelids and I can't quit yawning. Very odd. I'm sure not getting much done this morning. Just killing time until I can leave for lunch - hoping that will wake me up a bit. I sure don't want to fall asleep at my desk again - that was so embarrassing last time I got caught.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Not much to blog about lately

Life's been pretty boring. I haven't smoked in over a week, but I still feel just wretched. I want cigs *so* bad. I've had a lot of anxiety the past two days, to the point that I needed extra Xanax. That is a bit disheartening, since I've been doing so well with the reduction in meds. I'm really glad to be off the Zyprexa - I've already started to lose weight since I stopped taking it. I just hope this anxiety passes soon - I don't know if I can handle it if it keeps up much longer. And there's this evil little voice in my head that tells me cigarettes would make me feel better - very hard to resist.

Work has been so boring lately, or maybe it's just me. I really hate coming in to the office everyday. I've asked to be able to telecommute part-time, but my boss won't go for it. That really pisses me off. I get more done at home than I do here. I rarely need to interact with anyone else in the office, and when I do, it's almost always email, so why do I need to be sitting here all day? Anyway, work sucks. I hate, hate, hate my job sometimes. I wish I'd never agreed to this "promotion" to development. I'll be so glad when I can quit this job.

Friday, July 15, 2005

I've been so sick lately

and I found out why a few days ago. My son's been poisoning me. Not intentionally, mind you. I drink a lot of iced tea at home. One of his jobs is making iced tea. It's instant, so just add water and put the pitcher in the refrigerator, not too complicated. However, he's not been washing the pitcher before making a new batch. I have no idea when the pitcher was last washed, but when I took the lid off of it Monday, there was a thick layer of black goo on the underside of the lid. That's why I've had an upset stomach for weeks. That's why I spend my entire lunch hour in the bathroom every day. That's why I feel like I've been punched in the gut after every meal. Probably the reason for all the headaches lately too. I've had chronic food poisoning. I just want to shake that kid and ask him, "What were you thinking?" Actually, I did ask him, sans shaking, and he swears he never noticed anything amiss with the pitcher. I seem to be on the mend now, though I was hellaciously sick this week, with fever and everything. The pitcher has been thoroughly scrubbed and soaked in bleach, and I've switched to soda and water for now.

It's been otherwise uneventful around here. I've stopped the Zyprexa totally and am down to 75 mg of Effexor. Cut back on Xanax by half, too. And still no cigs - or patches. I just can't handle the adhesive on the patches, so it's cold turkey. It hasn't been too terrible, or maybe I've just been too sick to care.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Rant: WalMart bathrooms

Just want to warn you all about the bathrooms in country WalMarts. I don't know about your WalMart, but the one by my house here in the 'burbs is pretty well-maintained. But today we stopped at a WalMart way out in central Texas, and I can hardly find words to describe it. This had to be one of the worst experiences ever. I don't usually bother with the paper ass gaskets anywhere, but this time, I stacked up 3. There was no coathook, so I hung my purse around my neck while I had my pee. There was no way I was gonna put it on that floor. The sink was so nasty I didn't even want to wash my hands - I figured I was safer with my own damn germs than touching that thing. I cannot for the life of me figure out why people can't use a public restroom without trashing it. There was actually *blood* all over one of the toilets. What kind of nasty bitch would do something like that and not clean up after herself? The store was crawling with employees - isn't it somebody's job to keep the restroom clean? Apparently the men's room was no better - when I met hubby afterwards, his first words were "So, how was your country WalMart restroom experience?" And he had this look on his face like he'd just stepped in dog shit or something. I didn't even ask - some things are best left unknown.

Working on a migraine

I can feel it coming. Everything smells funny - that's how I know it's a migraine and not an ordinary headache. We visited hubby today, and the whole way home I smelled crayons, even though there weren't any in the car. My skull started to feel too small about 30 minutes from home, and now the pain is coming on strong. Sitting here at the computer is probably the worst thing I could be doing right now, but I tried lying down and it hurt worse. I hope it's gone when I wake up in the morning - I really don't want to miss church again.

We had a pretty good day today. I got lost on the way to see hubby and went about 30 miles out of my way before I realized it. So getting on the road early didn't really do me much good, but we finally got there. Had lunch at a Mexican restaurant - yum. Ran some errands, got into a heated discussion about money, resulting in much crying, but it was still a good day. I'd rather be arguing with my honey than sitting home alone. But we didn't spend the whole day arguing, so it was a good visit.

I cut the Effexor by one-third today (down to 75mg, from 225), and dropped the Zyprexa totally. I have a few in reserve in case I feel like I'm gonna start freaking out. But I don't think I will, at least any more than usual. I still can't believe I'm trying to quit smoking in the middle of all this. Sounds stupid, I know, but here's my reasoning - I'm gonna feel anxious and edgy with the reduction in meds, just like with quitting cigs. If I try hard enough, I can just blame it all on meds and stay away from the cigs long enough to get over 'em. I can't afford them, anyway. I have to give up on the patches, though. I'm allergic to the adhesive in them. The place where I had a patch on 5 days ago is still red and scaly - ick. So, cold turkey it is. I only have two patches left anyway, and I really don't want to spend any more money on them. So please folks, wish me luck :-)

Friday, July 08, 2005

Today was so icky

Still haven't gotten the specs for this programming my boss wants done two weeks. He'll forget this, of course, when the deadline isn't met. If I'm lucky, he'll add some features at the last minute and I can fire back with "scope creep." Work was just boring. I did have a minor success and get an escalated tech support issue solved. It was a Windows problem, not our software, but the customer still complained because it took two weeks to fix. They didn't mention in their complaint that they waited over a week to call. They didn't respond to voicemails or emails until Wednesday. With that in mind, I think our response time was excellent. Anyway, work boring and sucked.

The main reason it sucked is because I spend most of the day crying. I was such an asshole about something stupid, and I made my honey really mad. He says he wasn't mad, but I've got the emails - he was *mad*. And he wouldn't answer when I called to apologize, so I was sad all day. I guess we're made up now. Hard to tell on the phone. He says everything's okay, but he still sounds mad. Or indifferent, which is somehow worse than mad. Baby, if you're reading this, I hope you forgive me. I'm really sorry.

Still no cigs

My last one was about 8:30 AM on the 6th. I've got a few patches left, but I think I'm gonna have to quit using them, as I appear to be allergic to the adhesive - I've got red scaly circles all over my upper torso. Had a lot of anxiety yesterday and needed to take extra Xanax, but all better today. Except for wanting cigs so much - oh, I miss them. I can't believe I was so stupid as to start smoking again.

Work is pretty boring right now. Still waiting on the code from my boss. If he wants this work done in two weeks, he'd best hurry up and send me the info I need. I can't do anything at all until he does. I hate waiting like this. I know as soon as I start something else, he'll send me what I've been waiting on all week.

I feel like a terrible person. My oldest son just called from Florida, and the base he lives on is being evacuated. He called to see if I could wire him some money, but I am so broke right now - I don't have anything I could send him. I hope my grandfather can help him. I wish I could. Even though he's turned out to be a real asshole sometimes, he's still my baby, and I wish I could help him.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Long weekends are nice...

until you have to go back to work. I reduced my meds again, this time cutting the Effexor by one-fourth, and the Xanax by one-third. I feel pretty shitty, but I think it's just because I didn't sleep well all weekend. Saturday night I was up until almost dawn, and I overslept Sunday and missed church. I slept really late again yesterday, too, so I had a hard time sleeping last night. I've tried Ambien - doesn't work at all for me. Last trip to the doctor's I got some Lunesta, and it doesn't do anything for me either. The only thing that makes me sleepy is Benadryl, and that leaves me so hung over in the morning, it's hardly worth it. In the midst of all this weaning and not sleeping, I keep trying to quit smoking. Sad to report, but I didn't make it today. I didn't smoke at all yesterday, or today til 5:20. And then the stupid cigs didn't even make me feel any better. I guess I'm all anxious because I cut back on the Xanax. I'll get used to it, I'm sure.

Hubby was home Friday night and most of Saturday, so he won't be able to come home next weekend. I haven't decided yet if we'll drive up to see him or not. With the price of gas what it is, I practically need to take out a loan to gas up my car, and there and back takes a whole tank of gas. I really want to see him, though. I'm so lonely now that he's away. I wish I'd never agreed to this sometimes, but I want him to be happy. And I guess in the grand scheme of things, the months until he finishes his apprenticeship are not all that long. But it sure feels like a long time.

Today was pretty sucky. I got a new programming assignment, which ordinarily would be cool, but this time it's to rewrite code that my boss wrote a few years ago. Working with other people's code sucks. I had to go to the post office and bank on my lunch hour, which sucked. Then I had to go to the grocery after work - sucked. And just now, getting ready for my bath, I broke my favorite toe ring, which also sucks. Of all today's suckage, that one bothers me the most. I know it was only $3 at WalMart, but it was my *favorite*. Well, off to my bubble bath now - one thing I can count on *not* to suck ;-)

Friday, July 01, 2005

My wacky evening

Whew, last night was brutal. I got home from work and the air conditioner wasn't running - it was 97 degrees in my house. So I checked the circuit breaker - it was tripped. Flipped it back on, AC came on, everything seemed fine. Then about an hour later all my power went out. I checked the breakers, nothing seemed to be tripped, so I called the power company. They told me to check the breakers again and call them back. That's where the adventure started. I have 2 little dogs and one big dog. One of the little dogs hates the big dog and will start a fight to the death every chance she gets. When I went out to check the breaker again, I didn't shut the door all the way behind me, and the two little dogs followed me out and the fight was instantly *on*. The stupid little dog attacked the German Shepherd (who outweighs Ms. Stupid by 60 pounds). So there I am with 2 of my beloved dogs trying to kill each other. I grabbed the German Shepherd with one hand and pulled her away from the little dog, who just kept coming. When I tried to grab her with my free hand, she bit me - got a huge welt on my wrist. But I got her by the back of the neck and held her up off the ground - she never stopped growling and snarling the whole time. So I've got a fighting dog in each hand, with my arms as far apart as I can get them, while using one foot to keep the other little dog from getting into the mess. I'm also screaming my head off for my son to come and take the little dogs back inside. He finally heard me and came running and got the little dogs safely in the house. My German Shepherd was bleeding - got a cut by one of her eyes. There was blood all over my other hand, so I knew the little dog was hurt too, but it was also minor - a cut on her nose and one on her lower lip.

We got all the blood cleaned up, and I went back out to check the breaker again - it seemed fine, but I flipped 'em all off and back on. I went back in the house, and the lights were on, but still no AC. While I was checking the AC, I noticed that there was an old piece of power company equipment attached to my AC, left over from some energy saving program a few years ago, and it didn't seem to be functioning. So I called the power company back and told them about it, and asked them to come check and see if it was the reason my AC wouldn't come back on. They showed up in record time, and determined that it wasn't the equipment thingy - it was the breakers again. Apparently I didn't flip 'em hard enough or something. Anyway, the lights were back on, and we had cool air again.

I called my husband in the middle of all this, and he was really evasive about what he had been up to all evening, and he finally told me that he was on his way home, gonna surprise me again. But he could only spend the night and had to get up and leave really early. But the surprise booty call was pretty nice, even though I was in total agony by the time he got home. I must have pulled a hundred muscles during the dog fight. Ordinarily I wouldn't be strong enough to pick up that dog with one hand, or control the German Shepherd with one hand either. But panic-induced strength let me get away with it, and I didn't start feeling it til later. When I went to bed, it was just my hands and wrists that hurt, but now I hurt everywhere. Back, legs, neck, arms - you name it, it probably hurts. I can't wait for this day to be over so I can get in a really hot bath and then go to bed.