Thursday, June 30, 2005

I am so upset

I just called my mom and asked her if she'd heard from my sister. Yep, she had. Apparently sis and her husband came back to town, packed up all their stuff, and moved to New Orleans. She didn't even call me to let me know she was back in town, let alone moving away. I've been trying to call her for over a month, and her cell phone is always off. I don't know what I did to make her act like this. I'm just heart-broken about it. I guess I should have expected it, though. She's lived here for about 2 years, and in all that time, I've seen her about a dozen times. We used to talk almost every day, until she married a guy she'd known for less than a month. Now she hardly talks to anyone in the family, and none of her old friends. Her hubby seems to be very controlling - I wonder if he's keeping her from contacting any of us. I just left yet another voicemail - I don't expect she'll call me back this time either.

I can't believe what just happened

Oh, my sides hurt from holding in the laughter. I'm at work, and somebody just burned popcorn in the microwave. One whole wing of the suite just reeks. I have a private office, and it's really cold, so I've got a space heater running. Since I'm just sitting here at my desk, I put my sweaty sandals in front of the space heater to dry. So to me, it smells like feet in here, but since it's my private office, I don't care. Since my office is my private domain, and I have gas, I didn't hesitate to let one fly - big mistake. I hastily grabbed some body spray to hide the evidence of my indiscretion. Now my office smells like feet, ass, and cotton candy. And one of my coworkers just stopped by to tell me how nice my office smells. Bwahaha! I almost laughed right in his face. I had to stop myself from saying, "That's because I just farted." My guess is it only smells good in here compared to the stench of burned popcorn, but who am I to argue? If someone else enjoys my farts and sweaty feet, more power to 'em.

Speaking of stink, the reign of olfactory terror seems to be over. It's been a while since Stinky Man greased himself with whatever liniment he uses (it smells like Vanish toilet bowl cleaner). Whatever was wrong finally healed up, I suppose, or someone finally said something to him. I guess I will quit farting in his office while he's at lunch now ;-)

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Questions for Tom Cruise

I realize it's highly doubtful that Tom Cruise will ever read my blog, but just in case, I have some questions. Mr. Cruise, you are an absolutely gorgeous bit of eye candy, but you should probably stop talking about things you obviously know nothing about. You think psychiatry is bogus, and you've been helped instead by Scientology. From what I've read, Scientology has helped you and its other adherents rid yourselves of "body thetans", thus vastly improving your lives. If I understand the material on the Internet correctly, these body thetans are invisible space cooties left over from an alien invasion 75,000,000 years ago, and it only through the vast wisdom of L. Ron Hubbard (and massive amounts of cash, I'm told) that you now find yourself cootie-free. Don't you ever wonder if maybe, just maybe, you've been scammed? Why in the world would the secrets of the universe be revealed to L. Ron, who may well be one of the worst published authors ever? The whole thing reads like one of his horrible books. If there really were space cooties glomming on to us, don't you think *real* scientists would have figured it out by now? Please, spare us the proselytizing and stick to what you do best - being decorative. And shame on you for helping to spread the word of a dangerous money-making scam that poses as a religion.

tragedy strikes my Sims universe

Well, I just couldn't leave well enough alone, and used some hacking tool to change the names and addresses of some of my Sim houses, and I wound up losing the whole neighborhood. *sigh* I'd put in countless hours raising some of these Sims. Whole generations of 'em - some yards were full of tombstones. Now I have to kill them all over again.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Another nice surprise on Saturday...

Hubby left, drove 3 hours to work, did his job, then drove 3 hours to come home. So I had him 2 nights in a row, when I didn't expect to have any time with him at all. It was very nice. We didn't really do anything special but go to church together. Next weekend will be my weekend to visit him, unless he's got to work all day. If he's working, we'll just stay home.

I can't believe how boring my life is these days. It's hard to be interesting when you are flat broke. I just go to work, go to the grocery, sit at the computer...that's about it. The days all sort of blend together with nothing significant to distinguish them from one another (except for hubby's surprise visits!).

I've been playing the Sims 2 University a lot lately. I've played a sorority house for so long that I've graduated about a dozen Sim chicks - now there is an acute shortage of weener in my Sims' home neighborhood. Gonna have to play the frat house and get some guys graduated so my Sim chicks can have some guy friends. This will probably be the high point of my week - helping imaginary women get laid. Oh, I need a life.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

I had a nice surprise!

My husband pulled a fast one on me again. I didn't expect to see him at all this weekend, since it was my weekend to visit him, and he was gonna have to work. But he just walked in the door last night - quite a surprise. Of course, he busted me with cigarettes, which made me feel really bad. But he was cool about it. Too bad I had just taken a Lunesta when he got here - I tried to stay awake, but I think I wound up going to sleep before he did. But it was so nice to have him home. I slept really, really good for a change.

I felt really weird when I woke up, and I just realized a minute ago that I forgot this morning's meds. So I went to take them, and found that I'd forgotten last night's meds, too. So that explains why I feel so weird. I was afraid it was a side effect of the Lunesta. I guess I'll be staying in today - I just don't feel like myself. I didn't have any plans for this weekend anyway, just folding clothes. The weaning was going so well - I hope I haven't derailed it. I'll be back on the regular (reduced) schedule tonight. Next weekend it will be time for another reduction.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. I didn't tell the doctor I was weaning, except for the Xanax. He wrote a scrip for 1/2 my current dose. So when I'm ready to cut back on the Xanax, I won't have to be breaking the pills in half. I've tried, and they just taste incredibly nasty that way.

While I was at the doctor's, he just casually mentioned that I'm way overdue for my supposed-to-be annual girly visit. Ugh - I hate that so much. I don't even know while I still have to have it - I had a hysterectomy years ago, so there's not much for him to check in that area. And the breast exam is even worse. The doctor is real professional and all, but he looks really, really young, like he could be one of my kid's friends, and I just feel so uncomfortable with the whole thing. Oh well, it only takes a few minutes. It would be less uncomfortable if they had paper gowns that actually fit me - everytime I move, some flabby part or another flops into view. I hope he doesn't send me for another mammogram this year. That's the absolute worst. I'm heavy, so I have pretty big hooties, and they really get squooshed at the mammo lab. I have bruises afterward for weeks.

In the midst of all this med-weaning, and trying to quit smoking, I'm also trying to be on a diet. Not doing so well on that front, but I keep at it. The biggest problem is that fattening food is cheaper than healthy stuff. And healthy stuff takes longer to cook, and I'm lazy. But, the only thing the doctor chewed me out about, in his oh-so-prefessional way, is the size of my butt. So I better get busy.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Just an ordinary kind of day

Nothing spectacular, good or bad. I overslept because I haven't been getting enough sleep. I'm hoping to get to bed early tonight, but there's always something that distracts me. Last night it was the Sims. I played a stupid game until almost 1 AM. I was tired and dopey all day. I haven't cooked dinner yet, but I'm already in my jammies.

Except for not getting enough sleep, I'm not feeling all that different on the reduced meds. That's good. I can't wait to be off all this chemical crap. I hope I can get by without it. I did for a long time, and I was fine for a long time. In 8 years time, I've had 2 serious "breakdowns", both following periods of extreme and prolonged stress. Medication made me worse the first time, and I just quit. It was just Wellbutrin and Risperdal then. I got better mentally as soon as I got a new job, and I stayed that way for 7-8 years. Then we had a few really bad months, and I collapsed again. Meds made me worse again, but for some reason, I kept taking 'em. When one thing didn't work, I'd just try another. I'm still under a lot of stress, but things are better and I think I can handle my life without all these pills. Nobody ever said I was bipolar until long after I was on various meds for depression (when really, stress was the problem). I am starting to think that I'm probably not.

About meds: I don't think my chosen course of action is for everyone. If you've ever attempted suicide, or been hospitalized for a mental disorder, you need to keep taking your meds. Discuss any desire to reduce or change them with your doctors before doing anything on your own.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

slow day at work today

I had a pretty busy morning, but now it's pretty slow and boring. Only 1:30 and I'm already watching the clock, ready to go home. Sigh...

Med weaning is still going great. I don't notice any difference in anything, except that I take less pills. I just have ordinary ups and downs, but nothing serious. If I could only get to sleep earlier. I wind up staying up too late every night until I just can't do it any longer and collapse. I don't think that's very healthy in the long run. Hard habit to break, though.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

What a weekend...

We woke up yesterday to the sound of the UPS beeping, and the power went out for good shortly after. It was still dark, so we went back to sleep. The power was still out when we woke up, and it stayed out until 11 PM last night. It was almost 95 degrees in the house. We all took cold showers and then went riding around in the car for the air conditioning. I was just lighting candles and opening windows when the lights came back on, so we were able to go to sleep with the fans and AC running. Just being so hot was physically exhausting. Even my dogs were too hot to bark. Yesterday was not the greatest of days.

Today was OK. Hubby decided that we should skip church and just lay around in our PJs all day, which was fine with me. Lots of cuddle time (it was just too hot for cuddling yesterday). He just left a little while ago to go back to work. He's got a long drive ahead of him, and a whole lot of work to do tomorrow, like 4 funerals all in one day. He's gonna be really busy. I expect I'll be pretty busy tomorrow, too, since everyone will be back in the office.

Weaning off the meds is working nicely. I dropped the Effexor by one-fifth last night, and didn't notice a thing (unlike the first time I dropped the dosage). I slept so good last night - I expected twitching and nightmares like the last time. Guess I got lucky. I've been on 5 mg of Zyprexa instead of 10 for a while, and don't notice the difference, except that my mind is clearer. I'm still debating whether I should take 5 mg until I'm out, or drop down to 2.5 mg for a while before I quit 'em. Got to do some more research.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Happy today!

My sweetie is coming home tonight, but he's not sure how late he'll be. He got two new cases this morning, and one in the middle of the night, so he'll be embalming all day. I can't wait for him to get here. Everything is better when he's home. I sometimes wish he'd never taken this job away from home, but I know it's good for his career, and I just have to suck it up. I hope he finds a job closer to home after his apprenticeship, so I can keep my good job just long enough to get us out of debt. Then I might not ever have to work outside my home again, which is my longterm goal. I would love to be able to devote myself to taking care of my family.

Another thing to be happy about - I'm working from home today. I have a requirements document to write (very boring - but it will keep me busy). Not much else to work on, as I got pretty well caught up this week with all the bosses gone (no new tasks for a whole week!). It will be nice to have my boss back in the office, though. I need some new challenges - everything left on my list is boring and tedious.

The med weaning is going well. I feel really good, better than I have in ages. I concentrate better, I haven't even thought about cutting myself in days, no crying (well, a little yesterday when I found out hubby was only going to be able to come home every 3rd weekend instead of every other weekend). Life is good (a welcome change!).

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Oh, my eyes

The bosses were all out of town this week, and the department manager they left in charge decided that she would let people wear shorts to work if they wanted. I really didn't expect anyone to take her up on it - I was so wrong. I'm still reeling...a bunch of 40-ish pasty-white guys in shorts and sandals. I'll be *so* glad when the dress code is back to normal.

Well, the headache is finally gone

I've had a headache off and on since Sunday morning, but it's finally gone. I think I've just been smoking too many cigarettes and not getting enough sleep. I halved my Zyprexa dose a few days ago (that's the pill that makes it so easy to gain weight), and ever since, I've had this weird metallic taste in my mouth. Probably because I'm cutting coated tablets in half, I guess. I don't really notice any more side effects from lowering the Effexor, though the first few days were rocky, so I'm lowering it again Saturday, when I start on 2 capsules a day. I haven't had any signs of mania (except some insomnia, which I've had my whole life), nor is my usual depression any worse. I can live with that.

I do have sleeping problems, but I've had 'em for as long as I can remember. When I finally do get to sleep, I'm sleeping better than I have in a long time. It just takes me forever to fall asleep. I get sleepy really early in the evening, and if I went to bed, I'd fall asleep in a heartbeat, but then I'd be awake again by midnight. So I stay up, and the sleepiness passes, and I wind up being up til midnight or later. Benadryl helps, but it makes me feel a little hungover in the morning.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Today sucks, too

I couldn't fall asleep last night because my stomach was upset, and I woke up with an incredible migraine. My head has never hurt this bad before (except for hangovers, which I don't get anymore since I rarely drink alcohol). I was two hours late for work because of it, and I don't think I'm gonna make it til the end of the day. It feels like my brains are gonna start leaking out of my ears. If I can just put in another 2 hours I can keep up with my tasks - I at least want work a half day. Unfortunately, I left my binder with the list of tasks in it at home. Very stupid. I should have just left it at work yesterday. I brought it home because I was feeling bad and I thought I might wind up working from home. I guess I should have stayed home today, but I felt like I needed to put in an appearance.

It's lunch time here, and the smell of everyone's lunch as they pass my office on their way to their desks from the kitchen is just nauseating me to death. We're pretty international here, so there are a wide variety of aromas assaulting me - right now it's predominately onions. Mixed with the usual odor of Stinky Man down the hall. It makes me want to barf.

Monday, June 13, 2005

So tired today...

I didn't sleep very well. It took me forever to fall asleep. Since no one else was home, I slept with the TV on to cover up any creaky house noises. At some point during whatever movie was on, someone kept saying "Ma'am? Ma'am?", and I woke up in a panic thinking someone was talking to me. Took a while to get back asleep after that. Then I woke up 20 minutes before the clock went off, and stupid me - I went back to sleep. I'd have been better off just getting up. I didn't have a headache when I woke up naturally, but the alarm going off was like a needle through my head, and I have a headache that just won't go away. On the bright side, the only folks here in the office are the tech writers, a few other developers, the testers, and some admin flunkies. All the bosses are out of town for the week, so there's gonna be plenty of time to fart around, like I'm doing now :-)

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Today wasn't so great

I overslept and missed church, and woke up with a headache to boot. It was really hard to get to sleep, since I was alone in the house but for the dogs - my son was spending the night at a friend's. He's there again tonight, and the house is so lonely with just me in it. I really hate this house. It's just creepy at night for some reason, especially when no one else is home.

Weaning off the meds is coming along nicely. I've pretty much adjusted to the lower dose of Effexor, and I've halved my Zyprexa dose, too. I figure I'll be off the Zyprexa in about a week, and the Effexor by mid-July. Then I'll drop the Wellbutrin, and start working on getting off Xanax. I expect that one to give me the most trouble of all. I hate to feel anxious, and I get this awful rebound anxiety if I miss my Xanax dose. But I'm determined, and fairly stubborn, so I'm sure I will accomplish it. I want to be off everything by my birthday in August. I want to feel like myself again, instead of some drugged zombie.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

I'm having a strange day

Son and I drove up to see hubby, but he had to work for a few hours. I've been sitting in the office of a funeral home for what feels like eternity. I can't tell you how much I regret asking hubby if there was any hand lotion I could borrow - it was back in the room with 2 dead people in it. They were already embalmed, so it wasn't gross or anything, but just seeing them made me sad. Good thing we didn't bring the kid here - I don't think he would have enjoyed setting up his XBox in the casket showroom.

Friday, June 10, 2005

I'm feeling much better

I finally got a decent night's sleep, and feel like I am over last week's pity party. I can't believe I was so pathetic - somebody should have told me to just get a grip! I have been so busy at work - I can't believe how productive I've been this week. Usually I loaf as much as I can get away with, but not this week. Just too much to do, and thankfully, I've had the energy and will to do it!

We might not get a visit with hubby this weekend - he may have to work tomorrow, so there'd be no point in us driving out to see him. But he still doesn't know if he's working or not, probably won't know until the last minute. Oh well, at least he'll be home next weekend. That's even better than visiting him - I just love it when he comes home. I don't have a care in the world when he's home with me. We've been married almost 15 years, and we are still so much in love. We've had some rough spots where we didn't even like each other very much, but that's all behind us now. Now it's like when we first got together - I get absolutely giddy when he comes home! I can't wait til his apprenticeship is over and we can all live together again. I might even be able to quit my job and just be a housewife (and probably freelance coder). That would be just wonderful.

I'm still adjusting to the lower dose of Effexor. I'd never have guessed that lowering the dose by one-sixth would have such a dramatic effect. Insomnia, crazy weird dreams, twitching - it's been quite the roller coaster. But I am determined to get off these meds. I really wonder about that bipolar diagnosis - I never had a real manic attack until I started taking anti-depressants. I just want to give God a chance to heal me (if I do in fact need healing), something that probably can't happen as long as my mind is full of chemicals. I'm tired of feeding the pharmaceutical machine. But I'm taking it really slow - don't want to freak out or anything. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Weaning off meds

I know that the mix of meds I'm on isn't really helping me, as I am still having mood swings like crazy. I was better before I started the meds - my swings weren't as often or as severe. Pretty much all I'm getting out of the meds is very expensive urine ;-) There's no point in taking a bunch of expensive medicine that doesn't help me. So I've started the process of weaning off the meds, and I am going to trust that God will help (and maybe even heal) me. First, the hard one - Effexor. I've heard this one is very hard to kick. I take three 75mg capsules a day. Last night I opened one of the capsule and emptied half of its contents. I really didn't think that would be enough to notice, but boy, did I notice. I couldn't fall asleep last night for ages, and when I did, I had horrible nightmares. I feel like I haven't slept at all, and I look like hell today. I guess it will take a few days to adjust. Once I've adjusted to the lower dose, I'm gonna lower it by one full capsule, and so on. When I get down to one capsule a day, I'm just going to stop the Zyprexa altogether, though I will keep them for emergencies and resume taking them if I feel really manic. Zyprexa is a particular evil drug - it make me crave sugar and gain weight. Gaining weight just makes me more depressed, so that's got to go. Once I've gotten adjusted to being without Effexor and Zyprexa, the Wellbutrin is next. That one I've used before - I can just quit it cold turkey and won't really notice a thing. Then the Xanax, my best friend. I take it 2-3 times a day, so I'll have to taper it off pretty slowly.

I think my depression right now is more of a situational thing, rather than clinical. I'm sad because my husband is working so far away that we only see each other every other week or so. There's no pill that's gonna help me with that. I'm anxious because I have a lot of debt - no pills are gonna help with that either. There's a lot of stress in my life, but I want to learn how to deal with it without all these pills. I miss my creative spark - the medication has robbed me of that - I want my art back. Not that I'm a great artist or anything, but I *need* to do creative things, and with all these meds, I've only been able to create one project in the past 2 years. Before meds, I was much more productive in that area of my life. I just want to feel normal again instead of always feeling slow and foggy. I'd rather cut myself every day than continue to feel this way. Not that I'm planning on any more cutting or anything, really. That's something that I want to give up, too.

I want normal sleep again, instead of the half-sleep that I have with all these drugs. I want to think clearly again. I want to be in charge of my own mind again. I never had a manic episode that was identified as such by a doctor until I started on these meds, so I know they are wrong for me, and just maybe my diagnosis is wrong, too. I've always been a little bit depressed, dysthymic I think they called it, but that was not enough to warrant treatment. I'm tired of feeding the pharmaceutical industry, who is only interested in treatment, not cures. If they could cure people, they'd soon find themselves out of business, so they are not working in my best interests - long-term treatment is their goal, because it costs more.

So, I guess I have several weeks of hell coming up. In the midst of it all, I intend to kick cigarettes once and for all, too. If I smoke, I want it to be pure MJ, grown as God intended it to grow. I know it's illegal, but it helped my symptoms more than all this chemical crap put together. I don't really smoke enough to get all that high - it just keeps me on an even keel, which is just what I need.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Finally!

I was asleep by 9:30 and slept straight through til 7 this morning. I was hungover from the Benadryl, and dozed off at my desk for a bit, but it was worth it to get a good night's sleep.

It's been pretty boring at work today. I have a long list of stuff do to, but I don't really feel like doing any of it at the moment. I think I'm just gonna try to look busy until 5 o'clock. Shouldn't be too hard to get away with - no one here pays me any attention unless they need something from me.

Monday, June 06, 2005

I am determined to get some sleep tonight

I just swallowed 400 mg of Benadryl. If that doesn't knock me out, nothing will. My mood swings seem to be tapering off, but that may be just because I went back to cigarettes. I hope to resume my "herbal" treatment again soon, no matter what hubby thinks. I think it was really helping me. I wish the government would wake up and realize that MJ is a godsend for people with a variety of medical problem.

The Benadryl is starting to kick in - I'm having a hard time typing. Oh, I am so looking forward to falling asleep early.

A surprise from my sweetie

When hubby was home for the weekend, he brought me a sample of some of the best hand lotion I've ever tried. It doesn't leave my hands sticky or greasy at all, and it smells nice, too. Then he tells me it's a sample of the kind of lotion they use on dead people to keep 'em looking fresh and not dried out. Creepy as that is, I don't care - I want a big bottle of the stuff.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

It's finally over!

The software project from hell is finally finished. I can finally have my life back. Not sure what I will do to fill the long empty hours after work while my husband is away, but I'm sure I'll think of something. Maybe torture some Sims - sometimes I make Sims that resemble my co-workers, and then make them as miserable as possible. Wall 'em in and let them starve, get them to go swimming and then take away the ladders - they'll swim til they're exhausted and drown.

I finally finished my craft project, too. I made hundreds of little gold and copper tiles out of polymer clay and glazed them so they're really shiny. Then I sewed them in a Cross pattern on black velveteen with a matching bead in the center of each tile. The velveteen is attached to a wooden dowel with round endcaps, painted gold, and hung from a gold cord with tassels on each end. It came out really nice. My husband loves it, which was the whole point to begin with. Now I need another project.

what difference a good night's sleep makes

I feel like an entirely different person today. I woke up early, fed and watered the dogs, started a load of laundry, wrote umpteen lines of code, all before anyone else in the house woke up. I don't exactly feel happy, but I am more at peace than I've been for the last few days. I doubled up on the Zyprexa the last two nights, and I think that's made a real difference. It's a nasty drug, though - make you gain weight, which I definitely don't need to do. But if my choices are crazy or fat, I think I'll pick fat.

I still have a lot of code to write, but I think that I will finally finish it this weekend. Good thing, too, as the project is already two weeks late. The customer's been pretty patient, though, and I know they'd rather have good code late than bad code on time. Time to get back to work...

Friday, June 03, 2005

Cutting haiku

A sharp shiny blade
One quick slice and the flesh bleeds
Red tears of madness.

Today should have been wonderful...

but it just wasn't. Every time I look at the fresh cut or the old scars on my arm, I can only think of what stupid thing self-injury is to do. My left arm, belly and thighs are covered with scars, all self-inflicted. It used to make my husband angry, but now it just makes him sad, like it is somehow his fault. But it's nobody's fault but my own. I don't even know why I do it, other than it calms me down. When my thoughts are broken into a million swirling pieces, slicing myself open brings everything back into focus - when you are trying to control a cut, you *really* focus on what you are doing. When I feel disasociated from myself, the pain of a cut or a burn makes me feel alive again. When I feel mania creeping up on me, the cutting is like blood-letting - I feel like the poisonous thoughts are leaking out of me with every drop of blood. When I am in a deep depression, it makes me feel a bit better to punish myself - I only feel guilty about it later.

I used to smoke pot recreationally, and gave it up a few weeks ago. Hubby and I both decided it was just complicating our lives, and it would be bad for his career - imagine being stoned and having to go out and collect someone's dead body...not cool at all. So I gave it up, and at first I didn't miss it. But now I think it was helping me manage my mental illness in some way. I feel sicker now than I have in a long time and I just wish I had some nice green bud to take away my ills. My mood swings are terrible right now - I'm rapid-cycling, I think. My ups and downs were a lot farther apart and not nearly as strong when I was toking. But today, I've gone up and down like every hour or so. I absolutely had to have cigs today, anything to distract me from the lure of a blade. I've gone through so much Xanax lately that I'm going to run out before I can fill the prescription again, and it's not helping. I've built up such a tolerance that it doesn't even make me sleepy anymore. I've taken as much as 12 mg at once (my usual dose is 1 mg 3x daily) and I don't even get tired or a buzz or anything except the edge off my anxiety. And some amnesia - I'll forget whatever I did after a dose like that.

My husband is home til Monday morning, and I should be happy, I know. But I just feel sad and manic and crazy, all at the same time. I remember when manic felt good - now it's just scary. I feel like I might lose my mind altogether sometimes. Or maybe I already have - what person in their right mind would cut herself on purpose? I only know one other cutter, and she's crazy as a loon. I don't want to be like that. Sometimes I simply don't want to *be* at all, but my family needs me and that keeps me going. I can't let them down. If my husband lived at home right now, I think I would just go check into some hospital and stay there as long as my insurance would let me, but that's just not possible. If I could afford to live on disability income, I'd stop working in heartbeat, but that's not possible right now either. So I get up every day and go to work, where I pretend to be okay. No one sees me crying at my desk. No one knows that sometimes I stick myself over and over again with a needle (on my scalp, where it doesn't show). I smile and greet people like everything is fine. No one knows that it feels like I'm dying inside. The people I work with don't know that I don't have any friends, or that the only reason I leave my house is to work or get groceries. I'm not part of any of the little cliques in our office. No one asks me out to lunch, or stops by my office just to chat. Sometimes a whole week will pass without anyone setting foot in my office for any reason. Fifty people there, most of whom I've known for almost 10 years, and nobody really knows me at all.

I'm hoping that going to church this Sunday will make me feel better. No one knows me there, since I haven't been going very long, but I get some peace just being there. It's one place where I know am welcome, and I can feel like I belong, even if it's just for an hour each week. I know that if I kneel at the altar to pray, the pastor's wife will come pray with me, and she's such a caring person - she just radiates love and compassion and I cherish every second that I spend with her. Last week she put her arm around my shoulder and prayed with me at the altar and I was moved to tears. How someone who's known me for less than two months can make me feel loved and cherished is an amazement to me.

I wish that sleeping pills worked for me - Ambien is all my doc will prescribe, and it may as well be water for all the good it does me. Benadryl works, but I have to take a lot of it, and it makes me feel hung over the next day. But it stops the nightmares that I've been having, or maybe it just stops me from remembering them. I guess that will have to be good enough for now. Well, I guess that's enough self-pity for one day. Stay tuned, I'm sure there's more crazy rambling to come.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

I am falling apart today

I have been taking my meds, but they failed me today. I just found myself carving into my arm with a razor knife. I stopped myself before any serious damage, but I'm so disappointed in myself - I've been pretty good at resisting my self-injury urges lately. I also caved in and bought a pack of cigarettes - more SI, just slower than cutting, I guess. I wish I could afford a shrink. My GP keeps telling me to see one, but I just can't afford it, and I make too much money for any public health services. My insurance sucks, as far as mental health is concerned. Maybe once I change over to hubby's plan (at least a year from now) I will be able to afford it, but for now I'm just screwed. This blog is my therapy, I guess.

I'm not sure what set me off today. Nothing's really happened except that I had a bunch of bad dreams last night. I'm starting to think that bi-polar isn't my only problem. And I keep having the most disturbing thoughts - of taking a meat cleaver and hacking off my left hand. It's a most unwelcome vision - I'm not one of those amputation freaks. On the contrary, I have an absolute horror of amputation. I can hardly stand to see amputees. I don't think I could stand to lose even a fingertip, let alone a hand. But I keep visualizing this awful thing just the same. I keep praying that God will take this horrid vision out of my mind, but it's stuck there today, like some stupid song that gets stuck in your head.

Speaking of stupid songs that get stuck in your head - did you know that you can sing "Amazing Grace" to the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme song? The meter is a perfect match. Great - now I'm gonna hear that in my head all day. Maybe it will distract me from thinking about cutting off my hand. Man, I'm one screwed-up chick today. I'm glad I don't own a meat cleaver. And I'm glad that the gun is with hubby now. He took it with him, supposedly so he could get some target shooting in, but I think he just wanted to make sure that I couldn't get at it.

I just noticed what today is...

Today is the 25th anniversary of the day that my first serious boyfriend was killed. He was such a great person, and I was as desparately in love as a 15-year-old girl can be. A speeding car ran a red light and hit Joe, who was on his motorcycle. He was dragged about 100 feet. The helmet just made it possible for him to have an open casket. Rest in peace, Joe. I still think about you every year on this day and wonder what might have been.

Damn, damn, damn!

I just got a call from my overseas customer about the code I've been writing for them. Apparently I didn't correctly interpret part of their specification, and now a major rewrite of two functions is necessary. I'm supposed to be on vacation tomorrow, but I have a feeling that I'll spend at least part of it writing code. I usually love programming, but this particular project has lost it's challenge and has just become tedious.

I had terrible nightmares all last night. It's all a jumble of random images now, but it was just awful stuff. I don't feel like my sleep did me any good at all last night. Not even 10 AM and I'm already yawning. Gotta go get some coffee, I guess - I don't want to be caught snoring at my desk again.

Hubby's got a church function to go to tonight, so he's not gonna get home til late. I'll probably be asleep when he pulls up in the driveway, but the dogs will have woken me up by the time he makes it to the front door.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Will 5:00 ever get here?

I can hardly wait to go home and soak in some hot bubble bath. It's been a long and highly unproductive day. I'm feeling a bit manic (probably from all the caffeine) today, and I can't concentrate. The clock seems to be moving very sloooooowly. Yesterday went by much quicker, since I spent a considerable portion of it asleep. I thought I was gonna be in trouble when I found out it was the CEO that caught me sleeping, but so far, nothing's been said. My boss it out of town, so I won't be totally sure til he comes back. I'll just blame meds if anything comes of it. I've been here almost 10 years and have never even been written up, but my boss can be a real dick sometimes.

I am counting the hours til hubby gets home. We were supposed to go to New Orleans this weekend to watch our son renew his wedding vows, but apparently the happy couple is too broke to make the trip, so we don't have to go now. What a relief. It costs a fortune to board my dogs, and I really don't like my daughter-in-law all that much. She's bipolar, too, but she doesn't take her meds regularly, and just about every other word out of her mouth is a lie. She also did something absolutely reprehensible - she called Child Protective Services and told them that we subject our 12 year-old to extreme physical and mental abuse. She also told them that we actually smoke pot with the child. CPS wasn't supposed to let us know who called, but the social worker wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, and mentioned that the caller was married to the child's brother. Since we only have 2 kids, that sorta narrowed it down. I know it's un-Christian, but I don't think I will ever be able to forgive her for that.

Almost time to go, but before I can get into my bubbly bath, I have to stop and get groceries. I hate shopping for groceries. Especially at the Super Wal-Mart. But it's the only place that is on my way home, so that's where I'm going. Something about Wal-Mart seems to attract the strangest folks - we call 'em Walmartians. This store is about a mile from my neighborhood. How come I've never seen these weirdos before? And there's almost always something in my cart that sets off the shoplifter alarm when I leave. I'm tempted to tell 'em to take everything back and return my money next that happens - I saw a lady do that once at a clothing store where I was working, and it really made an impression on the manager.

My, my, my...just look at me rambling on. But at least it filled the time - 5:00 finally got here, and I am *leaving*.

I am so embarrassed

So, I was sitting at my desk at work yesterday, and Windows got flaky on me and needed a reboot. While I was waiting for the computer to restart I fell asleep at my desk, hands on the keyboard. Guess who caught me asleep - the CEO, no less. He sent the office manager down to my office to wake me up and sent me home. She said it took her several tries to wake me up. I don't know why I fell asleep like that, I didn't even feel sleepy, but I was out for over an hour, maybe 2. And snoring. At least I didn't drool. I fell asleep with my head forward, and now my neck is so sore. It was very embarrassing. I took an ECA stack this morning to ensure that I stay alert all day - I'm so alert that I feel like I've snorted coke or something. Seriously, my eyeballs are practically vibrating.

On a lighter note, I have another long weekend coming up and hubby is going to be able to spend 4 whole nights at home. I always sleep better when he's home. He's very cuddly, much more so than the pillow I use as a substitute. I can hardly wait for Thursday night to get here. We didn't get to see each other at all this last weekend because of his work. It will be so nice to have him home.