Friday, May 27, 2005

so sad today

I have a four-day weekend and no one to spend it with. Hubby can't come home due to work, and since he'll be working all weekend, he says there's no point in us driving out to visit. This will be the first weekend we've gone without seeing each other since he started working out of town. I'm so sad. I just want to curl up on the bed and cry myself to sleep. Oh well, at least I will get to sleep late.

I do need the rest. I worked myself half to death this week. We had a power outage at work on Tuesday, and my UPS didn't give me enough time to save my work, so I lost several hours of programming. I worked from home til the power went out again at 9:30 PM. Then on Wednesday, I worked a regular workday, then came home and worked from 5:30 PM to 7 AM the next morning, and I still didn't get all the work done to meet my Thursday deadline. But, since hubby's not going to be home, I will have plenty of time this weekend to program. I'd rather write code than iron or dust or vacuum, or any of the other gazillion chores piling up around here.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

I wasn't gonna blog about this, but he insisted...

I was so happy to have hubby home early that I left out some details of just *why* he came home. It's all gonna be way TMI, but for whatever reason, hubby insists that the event is blog-worthy, probably because it was his first time...

You see, he's been working out of town since February, and since then, he's been, well, irregular. This causes him no end of distress. Even adding fiber pills to his daily meds didn't help. He didn't just come home for sex or the comfort of his own home. He came home so that I could ADMINISTER AN ENEMA. Apparently he's been in acute distress all week - his poor tummy was hard as a rock. I'd told him to go get a Fleet kit at the drugstore, but instead he drove 3 hours so he could share this experience with me.

I had a hard time refraining from giggling (okay, laughing like a hyena) throughout the whole process. First we have to locate the "hot water bottle" - found it way in the back of the bathroom cabinet. Next, a suitable lubricant (Astroglide). I order hubby to stand in the tub, you know, just in case. The look on his face was just priceless, but he complies. I lube up the nozzle, an act that he catches out of the corner of his eye. "That's not gonna cut it," he says. Oh, no - I must apply Astroglide to the, um, orifice. He's absolutely, well, anal about hygiene in that area, so, no problem - he gets lubed, too. The bag holds two quarts of warm water, I get it ready to go and hang it on the towel rack. He's bent over, grabbing his cheeks, and I'm biting my lip to keep from laughing. Now, this nozzle's no bigger around than a pencil, but it may as well have been a tree trunk for all the noises he made during the (thankfully, brief) insertion. I tell him to hold it in place and release the clamp on the hose. Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle - I can actually hear the water sloshing around IN HIS COLON. Bag empties, he's moaning and groaning, and I've nearly bitten through my lip. I tell him to hold it as long as he can, which turns out to be not long enough to obtain the desired relief. We have to do it again. And then again. Who said married life isn't romantic...

So, here you go, hubby - I've told your story. You took it like a man...all six quarts of it. Google Ads, do your worst.

Happy, happy, happy!

OK, I gave in and bought some cigs, so I was pretty bummed out, but the day ended on a really high note. My hubby came home unexpectedly! I didn't expect him til Friday night, and he just walked in the door. Scared the hell out of me at first, because I wasn't expecting the front door to just open, but I was so glad to see him. Of course, he busted me smoking, but he wasn't mad or anything, and I threw the rest of the cigarettes away. He might be home all the way through Sunday! Too bad I have to be at work during the day, but at least there will be somebody to come home to at the end of the day. I'm so happy that not even Mr. Stinky down the hall can bother me. It will be so nice to have some help around the house - hubby says he'll vacuum and do groceries after my lunch hour. He's so sweet to me sometimes.

The only downside was that our Jack Russell terrier could not stand being in her crate at night since Daddy was home and he let her sleep in the bed. You would not believe how much bed space a 17 pound dog can take up. She likes to worm her way in between us, then she pushes me with her feet. The kids pulled that same trick when they were little. But I didn't mind a bit last night - I was just too happy.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Another morning wasted

So far, I've accomplished no actual work today. I did a few daily chores, checking to see that servers were up and running properly, making a copy of last night's database backup, but I haven't written a single line of code. I *absolutely* have to finish this by Friday, too. If I was using our product's API, I'd have been finished weeks ago, but no - the customer wants to manipulate the database directly, and it is such a major pain in the butt.

So, here I am, sounding busy as hell, getting nothing accomplished, but enjoying my day nonetheless. I work pretty well under deadline pressure, so I hope that I'll be churning out code tomorrow. I'm just not motivated to do much about it now, maybe after lunch it will be better.

I'm not coughing quite as much, which is a blessing. I thought I was gonna hack up a lung yesterday. I forgot my nicotine patch this morning, and I *really* want to smoke now. But that probably wouldn't do my cough any good, and it would wreck my self esteem again. I know that, because I've done it plenty of times, but I'm almost positive that I'll be buying cigs on my lunch hour. By then, I'll have rationalized somehow that I deserve a smoke every now and then. I wish they sold singles instead of just packs.

I noticed last night that the dust in my house has reached a level that even I can't stand. Guess how I'll be spending my lunch hour - yep, dusting. I figure I can get the living room done before I have to go back to work, and I'll tackle my bedroom tonight. If I'm still motivated to dust by 5:30. Usually I just want to crash the instant I get home from work, but I feel pretty energetic today, thanks to an ECA stack this morning. That's ephedrine, caffiene, and aspirin - really gets you moving. I can't take one very often or it will eventually wreck my moods, but every now and again it helps me get going in the morning. And this morning it was really hard to get up - I overslept by 30 minutes, leaving me only 15 minutes to get ready for work. I definitely do not look my best today. But I feel good, so who cares!

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Will this day never end?

I can't concentrate on my work, as it is interrupted by a coughing fit every few minutes. The stinky co-worker has applied a fresh coat of funkiness - I guess my cold must be getting better, since I can smell him from his office two doors down the hall from me. I just kicked a product support techie out of my office with the advice "get the correct information from the customer before you bother me". I'm nearsighted, so I lean over the desk to see the monitor better, and all the coughing has pinched my flesh between the desk and my underwires so much that the skin is red and raw. I'm in a foul mood and just want to go home, run a hot bath and soak, then get into my jammies.

Not sure yet what movie I want to fall asleep during, maybe a zombie flick. I love horror movies, and flesh-eating zombies are my favorite. I've already watched Dawn of the Dead (both the original and the remake) this week. Maybe it's time for an old B&W film - I have the original Night of the Living Dead, which is pretty good (better than the remake, in my opinion). Or maybe a sad movie - My Life is always good if you need a crying session. But that would probably make me all stuffy again. Last night it was comedy - Rocketman. Yes, I know it's a really stupid film, but it makes me laugh.

I'm gonna run out of Xanax too soon if I don't stick to the prescription rules, so tonight's sleep will be induced by Benadryl & melatonin. My doctor would give me Ambien if I asked for it, but I've taken it before and it does not make me fall asleep or stay asleep. It just gives me amnesia - I lose big chunks of time from both before and after sleeping. Not a good thing at all. If I could afford a psychiatrist, I'm sure I would get better drugs, but we have to watch our money real close right now, so I'm stuck with the GP for now. I wish I could just sleep like a normal person.

I have to miss yet *another* day of work next week. My 12 YO is having his first root canal and will be under IV sedation, and they said I shouldn't leave him alone after we get home as he'll still be groggy and such. I'm sure my boss is so pleased. Oh well, tough shit. Them's the breaks. I already scheduled the 27th and the 3rd as vacation days, and we are closed on the 30th, so that means I have 2 3-day weeks in a row. That suits me just fine...the less time I spend in the office, the less time I have to spend smelling Mr. Stinky. I'm half tempted to smuggle some dog shit in and leave it in his office. It would be worth having to smell dog shit just to get back at this a-hole. Hell, dog shit would probably be an improvement. At least it's natural ;-)

I feel like I'm drowning

Okay, I'm over last week's pity party and feel much better about myself and life in general, except for two things. One - I have this terrible wet cough and it feels like I'm trying to breathe water (which is an improvement over yesterday, when it felt like I was trying to breathe fire). Two - my hairdresser quit and I don't know where she went, so I'm letting my hair grow out, and it looks really stupid right now. Hubby says don't worry, it looks fine. Mirror says it looks like Ted Koppel on a bad hair day.

Somehow I have to get motivated to write this stupid data transfer code. I always have this problem when programming. Once the challenging part is over, I get bored with the project and it is just so hard to work on something that is boring. But I told the customer I'd finish it up this week, so I better get busy.

Hubby's weekend to come home is coming up, and I can't wait! I know we'll spend it doing romantic things like clean out the garage and watch Nascar, but I just want him to be home. I hate that we have to live apart right now. If he gets the transfer we are expecting next spring, that means I only have to live like this for a year. If he doesn't get the transfer, or if the offer isn't sweet enough, I'm gonna pitch a fit til he finds a job here in the city. I know he wants to live out in the country, but as long as we need my salary & insurance, the city is where we have to stay. But that argument, if it comes to that, is at least a year away. Oh, it sounds like such a long time.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Oh, the joys of parenthood

This morning around 1:45 my son woke my up, said his stomach hurt and asked if he could sleep in my bed. I said "Sure". I should have said "Get a bucket". He wasn't in the bed 5 minutes before he started barfing on the floor. I sent him to the bathroom, and he got to the bathroom door before the next volley of projectile puke. So, I lost a good hour or so of sleep dealing with the vomit mess. It was everywhere. I missed a few spots when cleaning, but one of the dogs took care of that for me this morning - guess who's not licking my face when I get home today. Poor kid - he apologized over and over for disturbing my sleep. I wasn't real happy about waking up in the middle of the night for the barf-o-rama, but hey, that's parenthood. I just hope I don't start puking too.

I didn't do so well in my battle against cigarettes this weekend. I forgot my patch Saturday and bought a pack when visiting hubby - we were with other smokers, and it was just too hard to not smoke. But now I have nasty chest cold, and no desire whatsoever to smoke. Even air burns in my throat right now - I can't even imagine how painful it would be to try and smoke now. In a way, I'm grateful for the cold - it will definitely keep me off cigs for a few days at least. And if I can get through the next few days, maybe I can kick the habit again.

I was too sick Sunday to go to church, so I just watched church on TV Sunday morning and read a bit of the Bible. Hubby didn't get a chance to go to church either - he was on call over the weekend and wound up working til 4 AM Sunday morning (he's an apprentice undertaker). As a brand-new Christian, church is really important to him, but I'm sure God understands why we just couldn't make it this weekend. Next weekend, hubby will be home, so we will be able to all go together.

I'm a bit ticked off at my oldest son. He's 19, married, and in the Army. He didn't call on Mother's Day or even send a card. He wants us to go to Louisiana in June when he and his wife renew their vows (just after their first anniversary!), but I think the only reason they are doing this is because they want wedding presents - they eloped last year, so there was no celebration or anything. Since he didn't even call me, I'm tempted to just not go to his little celebration. I'll probably send a gift, but I really don't want to give up a weekend at home with hubby for a kid that doesn't even call his parents.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Well, I fell off the wagon again

Yep, more cigs. Oh, well, at least it wasn't razor blades or matches. I know hubby will be disappointed in me when he reads this, but not as disappointed as he'd be if started carving or burning myself again. There won't be any opportunity to smoke tomorrow, so I know I'll have at least *one* cig-free day. I don't know why I keep doing this - I don't even like the way they taste anymore, and the smell gets to me as well. But I guess I'm just totally addicted. I hate myself every time I light a cig, but not quite enough to throw them away.

Work was uneventful today. I managed to stay busy enough, and I didn't break down and buy cigs until after work was over. But on the way home, I stopped to get a soda, and the guy at the counter knows me and my brand, and the cigs were on the counter when I got there to pay for the soda. I don't know why I didn't just say no. Too much stress, I guess. No Xanax fest for tonight, either - got to get up early to go see my honey. This will be our first visit since he moved in with one of his co-workers. I don't think we'll be having any woohoo, though - I just don't think I'll feel comfortable about doing the deed in some old lady's house while my kid plays on his Xbox!

I don't know how much more I can take

Well, the only good thing that happened yesterday was that I found out that my son doesn't have to go to summer school - that's a relief. But he does need a root canal, which will cost $1006 that I don't have. The dentist has a finance plan with no interest, so that's not too terrible, but it means I'll miss yet another day of work. And last night my husband had a car accident - he's okay, but his car needs some work. Since he rear-ended the other car, it will appear that it was his fault, so now we may be in danger of losing our auto insurance. I just don't know how much more I can take. My husband tried to tell me that God never gives you more than you can handle - that's a joke. Yesterday was way more than I could handle. I took way too much Xanax, an extra mood stabilizer and 3 benadryls, just so I could pass out and avoid life for a few hours of sleep. And sleep I did, finally. I think I was out by 9:30 and slept til 7:15. I got up briefly at 6:30 to wake up my son and put the big dog out, but the lure of the comfy warm bed was just too strong, so I deliberately went back to bed to oversleep, knowing I would be late for work. No big deal, as everybody I work with comes in late. I sure hope today is better than yesterday was - I don't know how much more I can take.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

It hasn't been a very good week

I haven't been able to stay asleep through the night all week, which makes it really hard to stay awake at work, so I feel pretty run down. I bought a workout CD and couldn't even do 10 minutes of it, so that was pretty discouraging. I fell off the wagon and smoked again, and I have this persistent urge to do it again today. With the day I have ahead of me, I don't think I'm going to make it. I have to take my son to the dentist this afternoon, which is sure to be expensive due to his terrible oral hygiene. After that, I have a conference with his teachers - funny how they waited til the end of the school year to ask for a conference. I have a feeling that they are going to tell me that he'll be going to summer school this year. Yesterday, my hubby and I had an exchange of emails that ended up with me crying for the rest of the day and night - my eyes are all puffy and red, and I can't even think about yesterday without tearing up again. Everything just sucks this week. I can't concentrate on my work. I can't keep my house clean. I can't quit smoking, or stick to a diet, or work out, or accomplish anything I want to do. I hate to be so negative, but that's really all I can feel right now. I hate my life sometimes. This weekend will be the first weekend that I have to go to church without my husband, and I'm just dreading it - I feel so self-concious and awkward and stupid on my own. I haven't done anything to hurt myself in months, but all week, all I can think about is razor blades and matches. The only thing that stops me is that I don't want to disappoint my husband yet again. I just wish I could go back to bed and stay there for a few days. But there are bills to be paid, and groceries to be bought, and errands to be run, and nobody to help with anything except a 12-year-old boy.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Happy Mother's Day!

We had a really nice day today, despite the awful weather. It rained a lot and the wind was so strong that the tree in the front yard lost several large limbs - there's a big pile of branches in the driveway, and no man around to cut 'em up for me. They'll just have to sit there til hubby comes home again. The dogs are pretty miserable - they all had to go in their crates early because of the weather. I just took them outside (individually, of course, since they all hate each other) to have a pee. The inside dogs were hilarious - they didn't want to squat on the wet grass, but they really had to go. It looked like they were trying to walk tip-toe, if you can imagine a dog doing such a thing. The German Shepherd, on the other hand, loves rain and especially mud, so she didn't mind a bit. But now they are all back in their crates and my day is officially *over*.

The power went out while I had dinner on the (electric) stove, and I thought I'd turned off the burners. Unfortunately, I turned one of them to High by mistake and burned the rice when the power came back on. The house reeks of burnt Spanish rice and wet dogs. Oh, well - I'm used to having a stinky house. When you have three dogs, that's just the way it is. German Shepherds are particularly stinky, even right after a bath, but we still love her.

Church was lovely this morning. The sermon was about mothers, of course, in honor of Mother's Day. It was very moving, and made my son cry. I hate to see him cry, but in a way, I'm glad that he's still tender-hearted. It means he's still my baby, even though he's almost as tall as I am. I wish that kids didn't grow up so fast - he just got his first pimple the other day, so I guess he's gonna be getting his puberty on pretty soon. I'm so not ready for this one to grow up on me. It seems like I was just changing his diapers yesterday, and now he's almost grown. Where did the time go?

My wonderful hubby helped me clean out our study so I could get at my craft stuff. It's still not completely organized, but we threw out two big bags of junk and moved some other stuff to the spare bedroom to get it out of the way. I just have one box of stuff left to go through and sort, and then it will be done, and time to get busy on some craft projects!

Saturday, May 07, 2005

In my happy place again

Hubby came home for the weekend again, and I am so happy. I finally got a decent night's sleep. After 15 years, it's really hard to get used to sleeping alone, so I always sleep better when he is home. We slept late and then spent most of the day shopping. We bought some clothes for our son and some DVDs. I bought a pack of DVD+R's but my new drive doesn't like them any better than the last pack I bought, even with a firmware upgrade. What a waste of 17 bucks. I'm gonna try to sell 'em to somebody at work, or maybe put them on Ebay.

It was a beautiful day today, even though it was pretty hot. Just the beginning of May and it's already 85 degree - I dread the summertime. It gets so hot here in the summer. My outside dog (the German Shepherd) usually drops 5 or so pounds every summer because it's just too damn hot to eat. She'll fill out again when the weather cools off, though. I wish I could lose weight just because the temperature changed ;-)

Don't really have too terribly much to post about. Not much planned for tomorrow except for church and cleaning out the study so I can get at my craft stuff again. Of course, I will take the time to call my mom, since it's Mother's Day. We did our celebrating today, since hubby has to leave tomorrow. I got two new books, part of a series I've been reading, and a new Bible. And some lovely cards. My husband can be very thoughtful sometimes, and he's great at picking out cards. I'm gonna be miserable tomorrow when he leaves again.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

I found the culprit at last!

Finally, after several weeks, I've finally figured out who in the office smells like Vanish toilet bowl cleaner. Unfortunately, I found it out only because the stinky culprit came into my office with a fresh coat of funk. My office now smells like a bathroom. Oh, will 5:00 pm ever get here? I tried putting on some body spray to distract me from the odor - now it smells like cotton candy *and* a toilet. I'm glad I did housework on my lunch hour instead of eating - this stench has my stomach in knots. I'm seriously thinking about buying some brand of odorless liniment and leaving it on my stinky co-worker's desk - perhaps he will get the hint.

Goofing off at work

I can't get any further with my programming assignment until someone answers my !#$%^&* questions, so here I am, pretending to work. I have a private office, so nobody knows what I'm doing, and typing this sounds like work. The web logs won't even give me away, since I make a remote connection to my home PC to do my goofing off. All they can tell is that I am connected to my home PC, not what I'm doing - I feel pretty safe, as I've been doing this for years whenever work was slow and haven't be caught yet. Crafty, eh?

Hubby gets to come home this weekend again, since his boss needs him to be on call the following weekend. I'm so happy that he will be home for Mother's Day. We're going to do some housework together - hubby says he will vacuum for me and help me organize my study so I can start working on my craft projects again. I'm starting to feel creative for the first time in a long time, and I have a new project brewing in my head. I usually make jewelry, and sometimes make my own beads from polymer clay, but this one is a mixed media project that will involve square clay "buttons" sewn onto a fabric background. I can't wait to get started! I just hope I can get going before I lose the creative impulse. It's been so long since I felt this - I hope it's the real deal and not the beginning of a manic attack. I really don't need another one - the last big one almost got me fired.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

This is driving me crazy

I'm still at the office, and someone here has applied some sort of liniment to themselves that smells exactly like Vanish toilet bowl cleaner. It's been going on for weeks, and I can't figure out just who it is. But they stink on ice. This would be a good time to go home, just to avoid the reek.

One thing after another

After the great weekend we just had, I didn't think anything could bring me down, but then I sat down to pay bills Monday night. To my surprise, we were overdrawn - I'd accidentally entered my hubby's paycheck twice, so we spent it twice. Luckily, my grandfather said he'd send me a check to help out. My car's been in the shop 3 times in the last month, transmission, brakes, and now belts. Hubby's got it right now - he can get the work done cheaper out in the country than I can in the city - and he says the car is totally cherry now. I can't wait for the weekend to come so I can get my car back - I hate driving hubby's Corolla. I want my big car back! Everytime I get out of the Corolla, I expect to be followed by 30 clowns. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but it *is* a small car, and I'm not a small person. My car is much comfier. With any luck, hubby will be home again for the weekend in two days - if not, I'm driving up to see him and kidnap my car.

We got some rain last night, which means I had to put my German Shepherd in the dog run instead of in the yard. She hates to be confined, so I had to drag her through the muddy yard before I got ready for work. I was still in my pajamas and barefoot, half asleep, but you can bet I woke up in a hurry when I felt poo between my toes. Wet, rained-on dog poo. What a way to start the morning, eh? I decided to skip breakfast. I got to work late (it took a while to wash the stink off), but lucky me - my boss was out sick. I actually got some real work done today, about 200 lines of code. It was so nice to be able to concentrate. I was sort of manic earlier in the week, especially after I found out we were out of money, but it's better now. I took my mania out on the kitchen and cleaned like crazy. I'm not much of a housekeeper, so it was pretty funky in there, but it's sparkly now. Just don't look in the fridge - there are some ancient groceries in there. And I just remembered that there is still oven cleaner in the oven. I sprayed it in there on Monday. I guess I have a chore to do when I get home now. Joy...

Monday, May 02, 2005

What a great weekend!

It was a wonderful weekend. The weather was great. My 11 YO German Shepherd got a clean bill of health at the vet Saturday morning - the vet says she shows no signs of any sort of geriatric infirmity, so we can probably expect to have her around a few more years. My husband was home for the weekend, and we all went to church together on Sunday. During the invitational, we decided to stand up and join the church. So now we have a church family, which will help me, I'm sure, during this time when my husband and I are apart due to his work. For a long time I thought I was an atheist, but I know that I was just really angry at God for some terrible things that happened to me almost 20 years ago. I took Communion for the first time in almost 20 years, and I was so moved that I cried at the altar. My son's a bit baffled by all this, having been raised for 12 years without any religious instruction at all, but we are trying to ease him into it so he's not overwhelmed.

The real high point of the weekend was my grandfather's birthday party! It was at my aunt & uncle's new house, which isn't quite finished, but still, all I can say is wow. The house is huge and full of antiques and other beautiful things. My aunt is an interior decorator and caterer (as a hobby), so of course everything was perfect. Her son (my cousin) is a chef, and the food was fabulous. He made a cake that probably would have cost $1500 to have done at a bakery. It was this huge dome, covered in leaves made of white chocolate. The leaves were made by painting melted white chocolate over real leaves and then the leaves were peeled off. It was so beautiful, I almost hated to see it cut!

My grandfather was so excited about the party. My parents came, and both my brothers and my sister. My mom's cousins were there, my grandfather's siblings were there, just a ton of people. It was great. Even though the house isn't quite finished, it was just lovely. My aunt actually designed the house herself, and it is full of little nooks and crannies. She found a bunch of antique doors and windows and the house was designed around them. I can't even imagine what a house like this must have set them back, but I can say this - I didn't know until Saturday that I had a rich uncle ;-)

I haven't had too much in the way of mood swings lately. Still struggling with the cigarettes, but it's getting better. I haven't felt manic in a while - frantic, often, but not manic. I get depressed, but it usually passes pretty quickly. My biggest problem is impatience. I want my husband to get transferred closer, and I want it now, but there's no chance of that til he completes his apprenticeship. I want to start working part time, but that won't happen until we are all back together. But that may happen sooner than we thought, now that he's got his living arrangements worked out. Instead of renting an apartment, he's staying with a co-worker, which will save us loads of money. The sooner we get out of debt, the sooner we can be together. And once we are all together, I may be able to quit working and just freelance. That would be *sweet*.