Monday, February 28, 2005

Just another ordinary workday

Today was not so bad. I'm starting to feel a little better about the job situation, but I really wish my husband was home. I need his help in so many ways. Not much else really to say about today, though. It was pretty boring at work, but the day went by faster than I expected. I got two new projects, so that should keep me pretty busy writing code instead of crying at my desk (an all too common occurrence). I've started calling workers to fix various things around the house - maybe I'll feel better about things once the work is really underway.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

The weekend is over

And I'm a wreck as usual. Hubby came home Friday night and we had a pretty good weekend together, but he had to leave to go back to work today. Wound up babysitting my neice and nephew last night, which put a dent in all of our plans, but it was good to see the kids. Somehow in the midst of it all, I managed to iron hubby's shirts and wash a week's worth of laundry. Folding it will just have to wait for another day. I really just want to go to sleep and forget about everything for a little while.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Not myself this week at all

I don't usually mind the medication, but for some reason the sight of all those prescription bottles really pissed me off today. My husband would have a cow if I just flushed it all, and I'd probably have seizure or something if I went cold turkey. But sometimes I really wonder if I am bipolar at all. I never had manic episode until I was given a mood stabilizer for a severe depression. I can't tell if the drugs are helping, or causing the problem. This is such a pain. And soon I may find myself without insurance, or seeking private insurance. I'm sure the underwriters are gonna have a ball with my medical history. Oh well, nothing I can do about it except fret, and I do enough of that for other things.

PS If you really need to gain weight in a hurry, just ask for some Zyprexa. I have to live on a starvation diet just to maintain my weight, and I'd much rather be losing - this isn't exactly the weight I want to maintain ;-)

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Just can't seem to find the time to post

I've been pretty manic lately, so sitting at the computer at home, after sitting at a computer all day at work, has been the last thing on my list. My doc upped the Zyprexa to 15-whatever-its-measured-in, and it is starting to help. I feel almost myself today. Good thing, too - I almost got myself fired last week. Gotta be careful, careful, careful at work now. I didn't want my boss to know I was bipolar, but I had to tell him to extricate myself from the situation I'd created. It really was all due to a manic episode, my first at work that anyone recognized. Usually it just means I work longer hours and startle whenever someone comes into my office. This time I just flipped out. I'll spare you the details, but it wasn't pretty. I've been waiting to hear from HR to see if all is well now. I really want to keep this job a while longer.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Now the hard part starts

I could manage being bipolar a lot better when hubby was home. It's only been two days and I'm a wreck. My family doctor insists that I see a psychiatrist. I asked him if he was gonna pay for it.

It's such a weird feeling I have right now. I'm really depressed that my husband is away, but I also feel sort of manic. Thoughts bounce around in my head like racketball. I can't concentrate. I just wish summer would hurry up and get here so we can all be together again.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

One day closer...

Tomorrow hubby leaves for his new job, and I stay behind at least until school is out, maybe longer. We spent the day running errands, which made me very fidgety and sort of hypo, so dipped into the sacred Xanax stash, without which life would be unbearable. It makes me so sad to program his new numbers into my phone and think that tomorrow night, he'll be sleeping in a place that I've never even seen. Our son is 12 and he seems to be handling this better than I am. I can't let hubby know how flaky this is making me, though - then he might not go, and this job is very important to his career. I can't have that on my shoulders. Besides, I really want to move out of the city, so we have to make this work.

While we were running errands, we saw an oldish lady putting lipstick on her cheeks and rubbing it in like blush. When we came out of the store, she was still standing by her car, apparently waiting for some one, and it was *way* obvious that she had crapped her pants. Big time. We aren't talking about minor stainage here, some little shart. This was a flat out shit emergency. I don't know why she was putting on makeup, except perhaps to make her face look strange enough to distract you from her ass (almost worked, too). I guess whoever was supposed to drive her home was still shopping, and didn't want her sitting in the car to wait. Can't say as I blame them. I bet it was a long ride home for everyone involved. But it cheered me up - was that wrong?

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Well, that's typical...

I had every intention of posting daily, and I've already skipped a day. Oh well, I do this more for my own amusement more than anything else. Yesterday was a pretty good day. I still cried a lot, since hubby will be so far away working while I'm here with a kid in school. I hope we can sell the house in the summer. There's so much work to be done just to make it sellable. Anyway, he leaves Monday for the new job, luckily he can stay with a friend rent-free, so no expenses to speak of, but it's still gonna suck big time. I think weaning off meds right now would be a bad idea now, so I've changed my mind about that for now. For the time being, I'm just going to spend the next few days enjoying what time we have spend as a family. But I'll still try to post every day anyway ;-)

Thursday, February 10, 2005

It just keeps getting better!

Hubby got a job on his first interview. Too bad it's almost four hours from where I work. Since I make 3 times what they are paying and my company is paying all the benefits, we're going to try to have a long-distance/weekend marriage. This should do wonders for my mood disorder...not. He's the only one who can tell when I'm going manic - everybody at work just thinks I'm "perkier" than usual. They don't know that I'm wandering around the house, awake 50 hours at a stretch, putting lit matches out on my arm, etc.

On the plus side, though, he'll be staying with friends so his only expenses are gas, food and laundry, maybe a phone. Having some extra money coming in will be nice, but having him gone is like...I can't even begin to describe. Life is hard...I'll just have to be harder. So, good night, Dear Reader. I'm guess I'm about to find out just how tough I am.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

This is gonna be bad...

My husband's gone out of town for two nights to look for work. I am somehow expected to deal with a job, a kid, and three dogs, one of which is huge and does not obey me. The dogs sleep in their crates at night, and I'll have to force this monstrous wet dog into her crate, if I can even catch her. It's about an hour and a half til the dogs' bed time and I am about to have a panic attack about this stupid dog. Warning to all you cat people - if you marry a dog person who is allergic to cats, you'd best be prepared to be a dog person too.

I left work early to help hubby pack. He knows where all of his clothes and toiletries are. He knows where the luggage is. But for some reason my expertise is required to pack. My boss must think I'm crazy. Oh yeah, almost forgot - I *am* crazy! Where's the Xanax?

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

First time here?

That makes two of us. Thanks for stopping by.

I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I'm not very sick yet, but I can feel myself getting sicker, and thanks to the medical insurance industry, there's not very much I can do about it right now. So stop by from time to time and maybe you can watch me disintegrate.

I just had another med change, and only 3 days off work to make the adjustment. It's a good thing that sitting quietly at my desk looks exactly like working intently. I think that pretty soon I will start weaning myself off meds. It's gonna take months, though. Wellbutrin, Effexor, Zyprexa, and Xanax is the current mix from my family doctor. You should have seen the number of pills I was taking when I saw an actual psychiatrist last year - Lithium, Lamictal, Risperdal, Klonopin, Xanax & Wellbutrin.

I never had a manic episode that I identified as such at the time, but when I look back, I can see plenty of times when I was. The problem with being manic is that sometimes no one can tell, so you don't look sick, and you're manic, so you don't feel sick. Usually manic feels good. But it can lead to you making shitty decisions and there's always that crash or the potential for a mixed episode. Those are the worst, alternating every 15 minutes or so between weeping and laughing, with no reason for either of them. I'm just getting over one of those.

Enough for tonight. Here's hoping the pills let me sleep tonight....